Lack of motivation

I have no motivation to do anything.  I don't know if I'm getting sick or if I'm just being lazy, but I really just want to sit here and do nothing. 

It is starting to affect me in ways I hadn't planned on.  I have an entire house to clean, a yard to landscape, and meals to prep before baby comes home.  But I think some of it is we've been here before, and I did all that, and we walked away empty handed.  I think maybe that is getting in my head and keeping me from doing things I need to.

And I really need it to go away.

It's times like these that I wonder if I'm not giving too much space in my head to things I cannot control. I cannot control our past, but I can control our future.  I need to keep that in mind.  Yes, this situation may fall through as well, but at least I will have a spotless house and meals for the next month.  That is a good thing, right?

I dunno, I don't know the answer.  I guess I just have to keep telling myself to get up and go and move and get shit done.  That is the best way to combat the lazies.  I also plan to sit down and do some writing this weekend (as it's the first weekend we have at home in a long time!) so hopefully that will help get some feelings out of the gate.  I also have my partner home for a long weekend.  Half day on Friday, off on Monday, he's going to be so spoiled! 

I hope you are having a better, more productive week and I am having!

Until Next Time!

What weekend?

I am sure we are sitting on the tail end of another weekend, but I'm not sure where that weekend has gone.  Actually, I do.  This weekend went to being with kick ass people and hanging out with friends and doing normal people things.  That's where this weekend went.

And. It. Was. Awesome.

A friend of ours is moving away so this weekend was her surprise going away party.  So we packed up, drove 3 hours north, and drank ourselves silly as a way of saying bon voyage.  I am sad that she is moving away, but I know it's for greater and better things.

Because of that, our weekend flew by.  We find ourselves doing laundry late again and the grocery store was a haphazard, thrown together list.  Still worth it. 

So now another week starts.  With this week comes a promise of renewal of all the things we want to do, as well as some things we feel we have to do.  My partner has been having some stomach issues, so we are slowly working our way through cutting out known food groups that seem to be contributing.  The first is going to be dairy, so this week starts that.  I really hope this helps his stomach because it sucks to see the ones you love in pain.

This week is also the week I put together the largest packing list for bringing home babby that you've ever seen.  I like to think of it as a cross between first time parent and just a nervous packer in general.  We are still cautiously excited.  Around 9 weeks left.

Hopefully the time will slow down slightly.  We have nothing planned this weekend, so hopefully we will get a little time to ourselves.  If not, it's okay, we have living our lives and having a kickass time doing it!

Until Next Time.  

So much, yet nothing at all

So much has been going on that the spring/summer is flying by!  We are already half way through May and holy cow where did the time go? 

And yet, everything is going so fucking slowly.  We found out the expectant mom we have matched with is having a girl.  We are going to hopefully have a daughter.  With roughly 9 weeks left, it's taking so long already!  Haha!

I have been spending my time sewing little girl dresses and trying to figure out if I'm crafty enough to attempt pants.  I am also working on getting the nursery set back up.  The reality is we've been at this having a baby game for 5 years.  Five fucking years people.  So our nursery has been set up for 4.5 years and after each failed attempt to start a family it just gained another layer of dust.  So in an effort to stay positive and let myself be okay with either outcome of this roller coaster, I have been in the nursery cleaning it up.  It is coming together slowly but surely. 

Other than baby watch 2015, my partner and I have been staying busy by traveling everywhere and visiting friends and planning other trips.  We have been so busy moving around that my poor house looks like a bomb went off in it.  We haven't had time to sit down and clean anything.  Even today, I am taking 15 minutes to write up this blog post, but then it's off to the races again. 

With so much to do my writing has suffered.  I really want to have time to sit down at my computer and just put things together.  I have so many ideas and I really want to put pen to paper, but I just haven't made time.  Oh you read that right, not that I haven't had time, I just haven't made time.  I need to get back to writing being a priority.  I want to make sure I have the bare bones of several writing tasks for when baby comes home and I'm in the house while she sleeps.   That is on my main to do list. 

I hope you are having a busy and productive summer as well!

Until Next Time! 

I survived

I survived finals, and I may get an A I didn't count on.  Woohoo!

Life is moving forward at a lightening pace.  It is amazing that so much time has flown by.  I feel like a week ago I started the semester and yesterday we matched... but in reality it was over 5 months ago that my semester started and 3 months ago that we matched.  Now I am done with the semester completely and in 10 weeks we will hopefully have a baby in our hands.  Crazy times!

Today we received ultrasound pictures of the child who will hopefully become our daughter.  She's a girl (at least chromosomally)!  We are cautiously excited about the whole process.  We have been fighting tooth and nail to get as much information as we can and seeing the pictures and the video is amazing.  We are trying to avoid getting too too happy about it (failed adoptions will do that to you), but secretly we are both pretty happy. 

With hearing that the baby is a girl, we have started slowly telling people.  It's not like we have a lot of people to tell in real life... but his family, a few friends.  I am dreading the influx of pink people will buy but I have yet to figured out a tactful way of saying "Please don't drown us in pink..."  As she ages, if she loves pink then she loves pink... but I really hate needlessly gendered products and pink washing (I equally despise blue washing for boys...).  Either way, I am excited to get clothes and stuffs together.

This is the first week I've had off and I am excited to get into the nursery this week.  It has been set up for 4.5 years, but I need to get in there and do a deep cleaning.  I am excited to get everything back in order and ready for a new baby.

A baby. 


Until Next Time.

Hitting a milestone

Today I got a notification that the woman we have matched with for the adoption hit 24 weeks.  It's a finish line of sorts, the baby at this stage can be born viable to life outside of the womb.  I posted on social media about it and several women I know commented about how exciting it was.  They shared their personal stories and I am so thankful for them.  I often forget that the way this will progress for us will be different than it is for a "normal" pregnancy.  24 weeks is an exciting milestone.  It is an exciting milestone.

24 weeks baby is the size of an ear of corn.  (image:babycenter)

What is our celebration point?  The signature from the judge that the baby is now in our care and has our last name.  Yeah, even the birth, while exciting, is not when we will celebrate fully.  I am happy that this baby has a damn good chance to survive outside of the womb, I will be even happier when we get a chance to hold him or her.  I will be even happier when we get a chance to love this child, and bring them home with us, and just become the family we have wanted to be for so long.

But I can't help but live in a little fear and a little detached from the whole thing.  We are excited, we are happy, we are also nervous that this will end like every other adoption attempt we have gone through.  I say we, but I think I am more nervous than my partner.  He wants to believe that this is our time, our turn, our good chance.  I want to believe that too, but I also wanted to believe that about our other two chances.  I am jaded.

We have had a couple "what happens next" conversations.  I think they drag us both down, but not having a plan is not a real option.  So we have a plan we hope we never have to use.  That plan consists of "Try again I guess".  What a plan!  But let's not think about that okay?  Instead, we should go back to talking about what's happening in reality, and our milestone we hit.

I looked up what 24 weeks means exactly in the baby development world and this is what I found, from babycenter.com.

Lungs: Your baby's lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory"tree" as well as cells that will produce surfactant, a substance that helps air sacs in the lungs inflate easily.

Skin: Your skin may be feeling a bit itchy and dry as it stretches. Keeping it well moisturized may help.

Taste buds: Your baby's taste buds are developing now.

Uterus: The top of your uterus is now an inch or so above your belly button, making it about the size of a soccer ball.

Taste buds at 24 weeks, that is pretty awesome!  She are also rounding the corner on the second trimester.  3 weeks left until we hit the magical 3rd trimester than all adoptive parents wait for.  For our specific adoption, this is the time when baby's mom can have her hearing in court to make sure she is able to give consent to the adoption.  This also is the time when the father can sign his paperwork to release this child for adoption.  We also have a contract update done at this time that will outline what future contact mom and dad would like baby.  I don't think our specific contract will change, as we are doing an open adoption and I'm not sure we could be any more open, but it's nice to know that this is the time she can make changes if she wants.

Overall a positive thing, hitting 24 weeks today.  16 weeks left on this crazy roller coaster.  How exciting, and terrifying, at the same time!

Until Next Time!

Children, daycare, ugh

Today I spent my day working worrying about the expectant mom we have matched with and looking up daycares.  Sounds fun, yeah?

No.

My partner and I had this conversation and decided it was best if I finished my schooling while the baby is young.  Which means that for the next 2 years the baby will have to be in daycare.  And have you ever tried to get your kid into daycare?  Yeahhh... insane!  The baby isn't due until July of this year, and one center actually told me it would be almost a year before they could even tell me if they had an opening!  We aren't even hoping for a spot until Jan of 2016 but yeah, apparently I'm late in looking.

So today was spent trying to find a center that I would be comfortable with.  Isn't that such a first world problem?  I mean, you really only think about these things when you have nothing else to worry about in life.  And while we do have a few other things, this is what has taken over my mind.  That and the fact that there is no Montessori infant schools in my area.  Grr.

I should also mention I used to work at day care centers, so I'm pretty insanely picky but pretty lax at the same time.  I understand how shit works, but I also know exactly what I want.  Weird.

I also spent my day trying not to be paranoid about the utter lack of communication we have had with our attorney and the expecting mom.  I like communication.  I like when people call me or text me and tell me updates.  Let me know how things are going.  Right now I text and get no response, or a one word response, and it makes me horribly paranoid about life.  Our last adoption failed and we learned that right after communication stopped.  Communication is an adoption lifeline. 

Today has been enlightening and paranoid inducing.  Fun times yeah?!

Until Next Time. 

Oh what a week!

Hi.

So this week has flown by!  I didn't realize it was Friday until half way through the day.  Insane, I tell you, insane.  This week has been both frustrating and exciting. 

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were merely days.  They were exciting but just filled with school.  This was the first full week of school and it was filled.  I haven't been this tired in a long long time.  I worked hard on Thursday to not fall asleep in class, and that is unusual for me.  Especially considering the class I struggled the most in was Biology.  But I survived and made it through my first full week of school.  Next week we add Lab classes into the mix.

But this week also gave us an adoption situation we are actively pursuing.  We have officially matched with an expectant mother.  I am nervous to post this, but that is because we have a long, sordid history with adoption that has ended with us having two failed adoptions.  It makes me sad to even think about, let alone think that this adoption could end in the same way.  The differences are many, including a lack of taboo on the idea of adoption within the community of the expectant mother and the fact that this is not her first adoption. 

But it is also our only chance for quite some time.  This is a private adoption and it will take pretty much all of our saved money.  That means it doesn't matter if this one fails, we get very little money back and that is it.  And we are nervous.  However, we are also very optimistic and hopeful.  We can't help but be hopeful. 

With the adoption on the horizon, we also have the task of learning as much as we can about the culture of the expectant mother.  Learning the customs as best as we can, learning at least a little of the language, learning major holidays... those are all so important in raising a child cross culturally.  I find being connected to my culture has been so important in forming my own identity and I want that for any and all our future children.  

Anyway, we have had an exciting and long week.  Hopefully you have had a great week too!

Until Next Time!