Adulting

From lack of motivation to adulting and getting this shit done.  I am doing it.  I really have little choice, because it has to be done, but dammit I am doing it! 

We finally bought a new lawn mower.  Talk about a needed upgrade.  My partner has been out mowing the law for only 30 minutes and he already has the back completely finished!  That is an accomplishment of our new mower!  And it has a bag, so there isn't grass clipping everywhere.  And no, we don't throw out the clipping, we use them to fertilize under the trees to help stop soil erosion.  Needless to say, I am pretty sure he will be finished with the law much much quicker than his normal 2 or so hours.  Which means he may have the energy and time to weed wack!  That is always an exciting time around here.

I got out into the garden today and finally planted the petunias and tulip bulbs.  We have a front garden we have had to dig up multiple times because of an invasive grass species.  I think after almost 8 years we have it under control, so we are doing one more controlled plant of annuals.  If all goes well this year, I hope that the tulips will come back and then we will need some summer loving perennials to put in the garden.  I don't like planting every year.  I would much rather plan out my color palette and weed and mulch at the the start of the season and then let my garden work for me.  We have the other two gardens already set up this way, now with this last one hopefully I will be done except for pruning and weeding every year.  Oh that would be an accomplishment. 

This weekend we plan to spend our time early on finishing the yard and then from there we hope to grill out and just relax.  Nothing massive is pressing on our time, we might even go see a movie!  At the theatre!  I wish we had better live theatre here... but alas, we do not.  But at the movie house we go to they have good old fashioned cherry coke on tap... which means cherry coke and popcorn!  Not healthy, but delicious! 

What plans do you have this weekend?  Anything exciting?

Until Next Time!

Why are you so argumentative?

I feel like sometimes the simplest questions can create the need for complex answers.  I was asked just the other day why I was "so argumentative".  It took me a moment to figure out what the person doing the asking was talking about... and then it hit me.  They are talking about the fact that I don't agree with them and instead of letting it drop while they spout their beliefs, I questioned them.  Thus I'm argumentative.

I sit here now debating if I even want to try to explain this or just let it go.  I am not an argumentative person, I am merely trying to understand your beliefs.... and the only context I have to understand you is through my own experiences.  I cannot experience something that you have, but I can compare it to similar things I have experienced.  Of course you don't think they have anything to do with one another, but that is because your experiences are worse to you than mine are to you, but mine are worse to me than they are to you.  Make sense?

No of course not!  Because trying to understand life in the way you live it is complicated, complex.  Life is complicated and complex.  Understanding, trying to empathize with someone, is often done through the lens of your own experiences.  And that is okay.  When someone tries to compare your experiences to their own, they aren't necessarily trying to belittle your issues.  They are merely trying to find the best way to empathize, to show a sense of understanding and camaraderie to you and your experiences.

And that is exactly what I am trying to do when I "argue" with you.  I am trying to understand your beliefs as they compare to my own.  I am trying to understand your way of thinking within the only context I can.  I can't magically have your experiences or see life through your eyes.  I only have what I have and that is what I'm working with.  And just because I am asking questions and challenge what you say doesn't mean I don't agree with you.  I am still trying to understand it through my lens... and that has nothing to do with my agreement with you at all.

I hate being told I'm argumentative because I don't immediately come over to the other side or I ask questions.  Sometimes I'm just trying to understand... and you should too.

Until Next Time.

Finals

I feel like I don't have to explain much about my absence other than to say "finals".  Seriously, I have a week left of instruction and then finals.  I have been busting my ass to get everything I need to get done, done.  Which let me tell you, is too much. 

So that said, give me a bit longer and hopefully we'll get back to regularly scheduled posts about how boring I am. 

Until Next Time!

Nothing exciting here

Man has life been ever boring lately.  Seriously, life is moving on day to day and I just can't muster the idea of writing how boring shit has been lately.

Wake up, shower, go to school, learn shit, come home, cook shit, go to bed. Rinse, repeat.  Every. Fucking. Day.

how boring is that? 

that's what I thought.  Pretty damn boring. 

Today I cleaned the kitchen.  Well, I cleaned some of the kitchen.  I put back together the pantry and finished cleaning the canning cabinet.  Last load of dishes is running and tomorrow I plan to give the whole bottom floor a good scrubbing.  Then I hope to start upstairs next weekend.  The highlight of my life right now is cleaning.  I'm so sorry.

Anyway, that's my boring life right now.  What's happening in your world?

Until Next Time!

invisible

Every so often I get a small glimpse of being invisible.  I see all my friends planning a get together, or everyone rallying behind someone who is doing something that I have been doing that no one seemed to care about, or someone starts encouraging someone in a way that I wish they would have encouraged me.  It's in those moments I realize I have achieved what I thought was my life long goal of having everyone forget about me.

And then I realize that now that I have achieved this invisibility, I'm not so sure I want it anymore.  Or maybe it's because I'm having an overly emotional week.  Or maybe that I have what I want it's time to find a new goal.  I don't know, but tonight I am feeling raw and fragile and completely alone.

I firmly  understand that some of these feeling are rooted in jealousy.  I am insanely jealous that I am not a forethought in any one's mind.  I am merely their after thought... "Oh, do you think we should invite Hawk?  I mean, we need another person to drive"... yeah that's who I am to most everyone I know.  A stable friend who "doesn't mind" not being invited or that friend who "understands" that the friends are excited for me, but they don't have time to really let me know... or any number of other things that basically come down to "well we know Hawk will still be there, it's cool if we completely ignore everything he does.  He won't mind".  And for the most part, I don't.  I honestly don't.  But on this week, at this moment, I am jealous.

But I am also paranoid.  When  you are ignored constantly you begin to wonder if these people are really your friends or if they are humoring you.  How is that for conflicting emotions... "I don't care, but maybe they don't really like me!"  Hah.  Welcome to my life.

I am having a rough week as we work through changes and prepare for a different kind of month.  Things will settle down and I'll go back to being okay knowing that other people are more than I will ever be, and that's okay.  I will go back to being okay with being invisible.  But tonight, I just had to get it out there... sometimes it sucks knowing you are looked over constantly. 

Yet what sucks more is knowing that I did this to myself. 

Until Next Time.

Hitting a milestone

Today I got a notification that the woman we have matched with for the adoption hit 24 weeks.  It's a finish line of sorts, the baby at this stage can be born viable to life outside of the womb.  I posted on social media about it and several women I know commented about how exciting it was.  They shared their personal stories and I am so thankful for them.  I often forget that the way this will progress for us will be different than it is for a "normal" pregnancy.  24 weeks is an exciting milestone.  It is an exciting milestone.

24 weeks baby is the size of an ear of corn.  (image:babycenter)

What is our celebration point?  The signature from the judge that the baby is now in our care and has our last name.  Yeah, even the birth, while exciting, is not when we will celebrate fully.  I am happy that this baby has a damn good chance to survive outside of the womb, I will be even happier when we get a chance to hold him or her.  I will be even happier when we get a chance to love this child, and bring them home with us, and just become the family we have wanted to be for so long.

But I can't help but live in a little fear and a little detached from the whole thing.  We are excited, we are happy, we are also nervous that this will end like every other adoption attempt we have gone through.  I say we, but I think I am more nervous than my partner.  He wants to believe that this is our time, our turn, our good chance.  I want to believe that too, but I also wanted to believe that about our other two chances.  I am jaded.

We have had a couple "what happens next" conversations.  I think they drag us both down, but not having a plan is not a real option.  So we have a plan we hope we never have to use.  That plan consists of "Try again I guess".  What a plan!  But let's not think about that okay?  Instead, we should go back to talking about what's happening in reality, and our milestone we hit.

I looked up what 24 weeks means exactly in the baby development world and this is what I found, from babycenter.com.

Lungs: Your baby's lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory"tree" as well as cells that will produce surfactant, a substance that helps air sacs in the lungs inflate easily.

Skin: Your skin may be feeling a bit itchy and dry as it stretches. Keeping it well moisturized may help.

Taste buds: Your baby's taste buds are developing now.

Uterus: The top of your uterus is now an inch or so above your belly button, making it about the size of a soccer ball.

Taste buds at 24 weeks, that is pretty awesome!  She are also rounding the corner on the second trimester.  3 weeks left until we hit the magical 3rd trimester than all adoptive parents wait for.  For our specific adoption, this is the time when baby's mom can have her hearing in court to make sure she is able to give consent to the adoption.  This also is the time when the father can sign his paperwork to release this child for adoption.  We also have a contract update done at this time that will outline what future contact mom and dad would like baby.  I don't think our specific contract will change, as we are doing an open adoption and I'm not sure we could be any more open, but it's nice to know that this is the time she can make changes if she wants.

Overall a positive thing, hitting 24 weeks today.  16 weeks left on this crazy roller coaster.  How exciting, and terrifying, at the same time!

Until Next Time!

Not how my week was planned to go

I want a do over!  Spring break has sucked!  My car was totaled, we found one we really like but haven't been able to get back to get it yet.  My break has been dealing with this damn car and I'm over it!  I haven't been able to sleep in at all, which was high on my list.  Nor have I been able to go to lunch with a friend nor catch up on homework, which sadly was on my list.

I haven't been thrilled with the car totallying process, but my insurance has been amazing.  Within 24 hours of the accident, my insurance totaled the car and gave us a check.  That is pretty damn amazing, in my opinion.  The accident was not my fault, so I'm not under any liability.  Just waiting for the police report so I can get my deductible back.

Today we are going to the bank to get the final approval for the loan for the new car.  I have fallen in love with said car and can't wait to take it on the roadway as mine... if we get it.  We have looked at a ton of cars and I am just sad at how none will ever live up with my workhorse car.  But this one we are hoping to buy SHOULD last us through all 4 kids (that we want) and then some.  It's a newer car and has a ton of room!  That is exciting.

Also, on the random scale today, I really need to spend some time cleaning my house.  I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until I took a meditation moment to look around.  Ew.  I would be so embarrassed to have anyone drop by right now, and that's so unlike me.  I don't think it will happen this weekend, but soon I will be undertaking my house.  Spring fever has hit and I must clean, must must must!

My life is rather boring this week because it's been all about cars.  And getting caught up on The View.  Today The genie from Broadway's Aladdin is on there!  I am excited for James Monroe Iglehart's take on hot topics!!!

Until Next Time!

Spring break and car wrecks

So spring break is already two days in to a week that's flying by and I'm ready for it to slow down a bit, and be over at the same time!  I was hoping to spend a week relaxing at home, perhaps doing a little cleaning, but no stress.  Well that went out the window.

Car wrecks have ruined my week and it's pissed me off.  My poor car was hit yesterday.  I am fine, everyone I know is fine, but my car is not fine.  Pretty sure they will total it out, because honestly my car is nothing exciting nor worth much money in good condition.  I think the KBB on the car is $1,900 and everyone I've shown the pictures to have valued the damage at $2k or more. 

So today I've been shopping online for a new car!  Well, browsing, as I have no clue what I will qualify for nor how much we can really afford.  I am enjoying the looking though!  Who knew cars have so many bells and whistles now a days.  I just want something to play my CDs and that is safe for any children we may have some day.

On top of the car issues, my professors have all taken this week to send out a bazillion emails about homework that is due Sunday evening.  Who the hell schedules homework over spring break?  I mean, you want to get the most out of your students, but if the week is supposed to be without school, why am I spending my time working on school? 

Anyway, I hope you all are having a better week than I am, so far.  I now have to do adult things like go to the grocery store, finish knitting a scarf and hat set, trim the roses, and then pick my partner up from work.  Thankfully he is cool with me having his car. 

Until Next Time!

My favorite kind of morning

Today was my favorite kind of morning.  Let's face it, I am not a morning person, but sometimes you just have to get up before the sun.  Today is one of those days where I was up before the sun herself shook off the morning dew.  But I am glad I was.

When I left the house this morning, the fog was thick and the sky was dark.  I am not a big fan of dense fog, but the beauty that presents when the sun finally does make her appearance is stunning.  I wish I was in a position to take some pictures as the sun crested the sky, but I was sitting in class looking longingly out the window. 

As the sun first hit the dense fog, an explosion of reds and oranges swept across the sky.  It's when that happens that you know it's going to be good!  I watched out of the classroom window as slowly the fog began to burn away, leaving a beautiful sunrise in it's wake.  The orange palette that sat in the sky for my entire hour in class was such a treat for the eyes.  I also noticed I wasn't the only one staring out the window.

But this morning is one of my favorites for so many other reasons.  Not only did we get a spectacular sunrise, but the weather is cooperating perfectly.  Stepping outside after class was like stepping into a cool swimming pool.  The air was still thick with water from the fog and it was cool.  Not cold, mind you, but pleasantly jacket weather.  Stepping outside and taking in a deep breath calmed my soul.

The nice jacket weather prompted me to walk slightly slower than I normally would, and we all know I'm a slow walker.  I was tortoise crawling across the common area to my hide away to study.  Each step was synced with a deep breath, filling my lungs with wonder cool air.  I am sure the air quality is the same, but to me cool air always feels cleaner.  It felt like I was breathing for the first time in a long time.  Both metaphorically and literally.

As I crawled to my hide away, the sun finished it's morning stretch above the horizon, the last of the thick fog burned away, and suddenly it was like any other day.  But for those 15 or so minutes of standing outside, I feel so much better about life in general than I have in a long time.

Life has been rough lately.  Depression is running wild in my brain and I sometimes forget that there is something more beautiful just waiting for me.  Today was a gentle reminder from the universe that while it's okay to just be, sometimes being and waiting is worth it for what you want.  I was breathing today, and it's good to know that I will be breathing tomorrow.  Because with the promise of one day of beauty, there is bound to be another. 

Until Next Time.

Stop telling me what not to say!

Nothing raises my hackles more than someone telling me not to say something.  Especially when that thing I'm saying has nothing what so ever to do with them. 

"I could've rocked the spot
Instead of being just another faggot like I am
I played that shit straight"

~MSI Faggot

I call myself a faggot quite often.  I refer to myself and my partner as "two faggots playing house" on a regular basis.  I don't claim to be a saint.  I typically swear like a sailor and make no apologies.  I despise being told that a word is "naughty" and I shouldn't use it.  Of course, there are exceptions.  I won't say the N word, or call a person the R word.  I find those two words disgusting... but I wouldn't dream of telling a black person they can't use the N word, or telling someone with mental deficiencies that they cannot call themselves the R word.   And there is where the difference is between myself and people out there who want to police words. 

I am gay.  I make no apologies for this fact.  My whole life I listened to people call gay men faggots and sissies and all manners of names.  As a child I cowered to think someone would call me that when I grew up.  Then I realized that if I called myself a faggot, someone else calling me this hurt a hell of a lot less.  Sure, maybe not the best way to cope with such a thing, but fuck you, it's what worked.  Starting at about 13, I identified as a faggot and that word lost it's power.

As life moves on and people feel it's okay to say shit to people in public, I've learned other things I needed to own to remove it's power.  "Sissy" is one of those words.  I am not a sissy, but dammit I will call myself that to deal with certain things.  I hate spiders, totally have irrational fear.  So I am a spider sissy.  I own that.  Fudge packer is another one that surprisingly I despised and now own.  The "two faggots playing house" comes from an actual insult we received here, in our home town.  How's that for a fun and warm welcome?!  So now I own that phrase.  My partner and I are two faggots who play house.. we own a house, and hopefully soon we will have children and all that bullshit. 

So if you haven't caught on, I own these "insults" because it's empowering for me.  I own the words and fuck you for saying I shouldn't say that.  It really gets my goat when straight people tell me not to say that.  Puh-lease, YOU can't say that word, I can.  You can't call me a faggot and me not say something.  But I am allowed to call myself what I want.  I am a faggot and pretty damn proud of that!

So please stop telling me what I can and cannot say.  It makes you look like an idiot.  Stop telling me I cannot call myself such an "insult".  Just stop.  You worry about your word choices and stop attacking the people you are supposedly "allied" with.  Because when you start policing the words within the community, you are silencing my voice.  You are silencing the voices of faggots everywhere.  And that is not okay.  Take your straight privilege and shove it up your ass, because you are no longer welcomed in my community. 

Until Next Time.

And the snow goes on...

We got more snow!  Ugh and yay!  Talk about confusion of emotions.  I am both excited and annoyed as fuck about this.  I love snow, but there comes a point... and it's at the point.  It's march people!  enough snow!

 

This is my neighbor's magnolia tree.  I love this tree when it blooms and I take way too many pictures of it.  Thankfully I have an awesome neighbor on that side who just shakes her head and lets me do my thing!  I do like the way the snow looks on the tree as well. 

The railing of my deck.  Look at that mound.  Crazy heavy amount of snow!

And the woods behind my house.  So beautiful.  I love our woods and the fact that there will never be a house back there!  I think, though, that I am ready to take pretty leafy picture again! 

We ended up with 17 inches locally over two days and that is a lot lot lot of inches for our town.  It's just not something that happens often.  We broke quite a few records locally over it all and our weathermen were going crazy about it all.  Weather nerds... lol! 

With this much snow, however, comes the stir crazy of "Holy crap I can't go anywhere and I only have so much homework to complete!!!"  I am so stir crazy that I don't know what to do with myself.  I've caught up on almost all of my sleep, and I've cooked more than I have in a long time, but I'm ready to get out of this damn house!  Winter better be over.

How was your winter?  Snow? Ice? In between?

Until Next Time!

Upcoming changes and stuff

So first things first, I am going to be changing the template of the blog.  I plan to add adsense as a way to make a few pennies during the month, as I have 9 whole readers on average.  I don't expect to make money, I just want that option.  The problem is I have no clue how to add an adsense add to this template... I don't really know how to do it with the blogger templates either, but I think it will be easier because that's how things always work.  So expect a few aesthetic changes in the future.


Second, my birthday is this week!  I am excited.  The big 3-0.  Okay, maybe it's only big for me, but 30 is another decade older.  I have been alive for 3 decades.  That just sounds old!  I have really wrestled with the idea of being 30... thirty years old!  I don't know why, perhaps because when  you are 15  the oldest you can think of is 30.  Who knows.  But it's been hard to wrap my brain around!

On top of that I am also struggling with how little I have accomplished in 30 years.  I think that one is taking more of a toll on me than anything.  In 30 years, I have accomplished nothing I wanted to do in life.  I am still in school, trying to get a bachelors for fuck's sakes.  I do not have children.  I am ringed with someone (which I never thought I would do).  I have not traveled outside of the US..... I mean, the big things I have just not done.  Not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't.  It's hard to realize that you won't achieve your "before 30" list.

Either way, I've been struggling with that and school this week, which means I've not had time to do much of anything else.  But now I can focus on the good a bit.

The good you say?

Well, I am working my ass off this week in order to go out this weekend.  Hell yes, I am going out all weekend.  Friday my partner is taking me somewhere for a quiet dinner.  We typically do the melting pot, but that will be saved for another weekend this year.  I haven't decided where we will go, but honestly I'd be happy with Chipotle or somewhere low key like that!  Then the real fun starts!

Saturday we are heading up to visit friends in another city.  Not just a few friends, but there are going to be around 20 of us (including spouses) all hanging out, enjoying a meal, drinking, and just being goofy people like we are.  Why?  Well, why not?  I mean, yeah, this really isn't happening because it's my bday, but I can always pretend.  :-p

So this week is full of school so this weekend can be full of fun!  Seems like a fair trade off.

Until Next Time!

I did things today

So one of the things I say often is that my life is boring.  Woah boring to be exact.  But today was not nearly as boring as typical!  We went out and did things today.  Not anything too exciting, but actual things. 

We went to lunch, mailed a package, returned library books (and paid a subsequent fine because reading dates is not my strong suit, but whatever, I apologized and paid my fine), then went to the grocery store.  See, excitement!!!  

And in reality, that is all I wanted to say on here!   Isn't that sad?  But in my boring life, today we spent quite a bit of time outside of the home and it was nice.  We are getting ready to go find supper (Yes, two meals out in one day!  We are rebels this weekend!) and then come home and probably fall asleep in front of the TV. 

Too much excitement for one day.

Until Next Time!