Today was my favorite kind of morning. Let's face it, I am not a morning person, but sometimes you just have to get up before the sun. Today is one of those days where I was up before the sun herself shook off the morning dew. But I am glad I was.
When I left the house this morning, the fog was thick and the sky was dark. I am not a big fan of dense fog, but the beauty that presents when the sun finally does make her appearance is stunning. I wish I was in a position to take some pictures as the sun crested the sky, but I was sitting in class looking longingly out the window.
As the sun first hit the dense fog, an explosion of reds and oranges swept across the sky. It's when that happens that you know it's going to be good! I watched out of the classroom window as slowly the fog began to burn away, leaving a beautiful sunrise in it's wake. The orange palette that sat in the sky for my entire hour in class was such a treat for the eyes. I also noticed I wasn't the only one staring out the window.
But this morning is one of my favorites for so many other reasons. Not only did we get a spectacular sunrise, but the weather is cooperating perfectly. Stepping outside after class was like stepping into a cool swimming pool. The air was still thick with water from the fog and it was cool. Not cold, mind you, but pleasantly jacket weather. Stepping outside and taking in a deep breath calmed my soul.
The nice jacket weather prompted me to walk slightly slower than I normally would, and we all know I'm a slow walker. I was tortoise crawling across the common area to my hide away to study. Each step was synced with a deep breath, filling my lungs with wonder cool air. I am sure the air quality is the same, but to me cool air always feels cleaner. It felt like I was breathing for the first time in a long time. Both metaphorically and literally.
As I crawled to my hide away, the sun finished it's morning stretch above the horizon, the last of the thick fog burned away, and suddenly it was like any other day. But for those 15 or so minutes of standing outside, I feel so much better about life in general than I have in a long time.
Life has been rough lately. Depression is running wild in my brain and I sometimes forget that there is something more beautiful just waiting for me. Today was a gentle reminder from the universe that while it's okay to just be, sometimes being and waiting is worth it for what you want. I was breathing today, and it's good to know that I will be breathing tomorrow. Because with the promise of one day of beauty, there is bound to be another.
Until Next Time.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Monday, March 9, 2015
Stop telling me what not to say!
Nothing raises my hackles more than someone telling me not to say something. Especially when that thing I'm saying has nothing what so ever to do with them.
"I could've rocked the spot
Instead of being just another faggot like I am
I played that shit straight"
Instead of being just another faggot like I am
I played that shit straight"
~MSI Faggot
I call myself a faggot quite often. I refer to myself and my partner as "two faggots playing house" on a regular basis. I don't claim to be a saint. I typically swear like a sailor and make no apologies. I despise being told that a word is "naughty" and I shouldn't use it. Of course, there are exceptions. I won't say the N word, or call a person the R word. I find those two words disgusting... but I wouldn't dream of telling a black person they can't use the N word, or telling someone with mental deficiencies that they cannot call themselves the R word. And there is where the difference is between myself and people out there who want to police words.
I am gay. I make no apologies for this fact. My whole life I listened to people call gay men faggots and sissies and all manners of names. As a child I cowered to think someone would call me that when I grew up. Then I realized that if I called myself a faggot, someone else calling me this hurt a hell of a lot less. Sure, maybe not the best way to cope with such a thing, but fuck you, it's what worked. Starting at about 13, I identified as a faggot and that word lost it's power.
As life moves on and people feel it's okay to say shit to people in public, I've learned other things I needed to own to remove it's power. "Sissy" is one of those words. I am not a sissy, but dammit I will call myself that to deal with certain things. I hate spiders, totally have irrational fear. So I am a spider sissy. I own that. Fudge packer is another one that surprisingly I despised and now own. The "two faggots playing house" comes from an actual insult we received here, in our home town. How's that for a fun and warm welcome?! So now I own that phrase. My partner and I are two faggots who play house.. we own a house, and hopefully soon we will have children and all that bullshit.
So if you haven't caught on, I own these "insults" because it's empowering for me. I own the words and fuck you for saying I shouldn't say that. It really gets my goat when straight people tell me not to say that. Puh-lease, YOU can't say that word, I can. You can't call me a faggot and me not say something. But I am allowed to call myself what I want. I am a faggot and pretty damn proud of that!
So please stop telling me what I can and cannot say. It makes you look like an idiot. Stop telling me I cannot call myself such an "insult". Just stop. You worry about your word choices and stop attacking the people you are supposedly "allied" with. Because when you start policing the words within the community, you are silencing my voice. You are silencing the voices of faggots everywhere. And that is not okay. Take your straight privilege and shove it up your ass, because you are no longer welcomed in my community.
Until Next Time.
Friday, March 6, 2015
And the snow goes on...
We got more snow! Ugh and yay! Talk about confusion of emotions. I am both excited and annoyed as fuck about this. I love snow, but there comes a point... and it's at the point. It's march people! enough snow!
This is my neighbor's magnolia tree. I love this tree when it blooms and I take way too many pictures of it. Thankfully I have an awesome neighbor on that side who just shakes her head and lets me do my thing! I do like the way the snow looks on the tree as well.
The railing of my deck. Look at that mound. Crazy heavy amount of snow!
And the woods behind my house. So beautiful. I love our woods and the fact that there will never be a house back there! I think, though, that I am ready to take pretty leafy picture again!
We ended up with 17 inches locally over two days and that is a lot lot lot of inches for our town. It's just not something that happens often. We broke quite a few records locally over it all and our weathermen were going crazy about it all. Weather nerds... lol!
With this much snow, however, comes the stir crazy of "Holy crap I can't go anywhere and I only have so much homework to complete!!!" I am so stir crazy that I don't know what to do with myself. I've caught up on almost all of my sleep, and I've cooked more than I have in a long time, but I'm ready to get out of this damn house! Winter better be over.
How was your winter? Snow? Ice? In between?
Until Next Time!
This is my neighbor's magnolia tree. I love this tree when it blooms and I take way too many pictures of it. Thankfully I have an awesome neighbor on that side who just shakes her head and lets me do my thing! I do like the way the snow looks on the tree as well.
We ended up with 17 inches locally over two days and that is a lot lot lot of inches for our town. It's just not something that happens often. We broke quite a few records locally over it all and our weathermen were going crazy about it all. Weather nerds... lol!
With this much snow, however, comes the stir crazy of "Holy crap I can't go anywhere and I only have so much homework to complete!!!" I am so stir crazy that I don't know what to do with myself. I've caught up on almost all of my sleep, and I've cooked more than I have in a long time, but I'm ready to get out of this damn house! Winter better be over.
How was your winter? Snow? Ice? In between?
Until Next Time!
Monday, March 2, 2015
Shh it's a secret!
This weekend I passed a milestone. I had a friend tell me a secret. It was something she was adamant stay between us, and it will, but the reality is I was told a secret and trusted to keep it. That, to me anyway, is a sign of friendship. Like, you don't tell secrets to people you don't like or whatever.
Yes, I live a sad life that my weekend was made because someone considered me friend enough to share a secret.
Now the kicker is, that secret was something that is known by a few people, I discovered... but it's still a cool thing to have happen! Anyway, we had a kick ass weekend hanging out with people this weekend. We always say we want to be those people who visit people and have people visit us, but we rarely have a chance to make that work. We now have friends to make that work with! Exciting.
Our life is a system of routine at this point. We get up early, do a little yoga, get breakfast and head out the door. I am gone most days till midafternoon. Then it's home, homework, and supper, when my partner gets home from work. After supper I get to actually spend a little time with my partner and that is a happy time. Most days he goes to work out while I finish homework right before bed, but for a solid hour a day I get him all to myself. It is nice to finally find a routine that works for us. Yeah, I wish it was more, but right now in this moment in our lives, this is where it is. We can all learn to live with that.
Speaking of learning to live with things, my Partner may end going overseas for work soon. And that makes me sad. Right now he is slated to leave right as I start finals prep, so in a couple months. I dread it, but at the same time, he loves going over seas so much that I can't even be mad. I am secretly hoping he doesn't have to go, but shhhh that's a secret.
Until Next Time.
Yes, I live a sad life that my weekend was made because someone considered me friend enough to share a secret.
Now the kicker is, that secret was something that is known by a few people, I discovered... but it's still a cool thing to have happen! Anyway, we had a kick ass weekend hanging out with people this weekend. We always say we want to be those people who visit people and have people visit us, but we rarely have a chance to make that work. We now have friends to make that work with! Exciting.
Our life is a system of routine at this point. We get up early, do a little yoga, get breakfast and head out the door. I am gone most days till midafternoon. Then it's home, homework, and supper, when my partner gets home from work. After supper I get to actually spend a little time with my partner and that is a happy time. Most days he goes to work out while I finish homework right before bed, but for a solid hour a day I get him all to myself. It is nice to finally find a routine that works for us. Yeah, I wish it was more, but right now in this moment in our lives, this is where it is. We can all learn to live with that.
Speaking of learning to live with things, my Partner may end going overseas for work soon. And that makes me sad. Right now he is slated to leave right as I start finals prep, so in a couple months. I dread it, but at the same time, he loves going over seas so much that I can't even be mad. I am secretly hoping he doesn't have to go, but shhhh that's a secret.
Until Next Time.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Upcoming changes and stuff
So first things first, I am going to be changing the template of the blog. I plan to add adsense as a way to make a few pennies during the month, as I have 9 whole readers on average. I don't expect to make money, I just want that option. The problem is I have no clue how to add an adsense add to this template... I don't really know how to do it with the blogger templates either, but I think it will be easier because that's how things always work. So expect a few aesthetic changes in the future.
Second, my birthday is this week! I am excited. The big 3-0. Okay, maybe it's only big for me, but 30 is another decade older. I have been alive for 3 decades. That just sounds old! I have really wrestled with the idea of being 30... thirty years old! I don't know why, perhaps because when you are 15 the oldest you can think of is 30. Who knows. But it's been hard to wrap my brain around!
On top of that I am also struggling with how little I have accomplished in 30 years. I think that one is taking more of a toll on me than anything. In 30 years, I have accomplished nothing I wanted to do in life. I am still in school, trying to get a bachelors for fuck's sakes. I do not have children. I am ringed with someone (which I never thought I would do). I have not traveled outside of the US..... I mean, the big things I have just not done. Not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't. It's hard to realize that you won't achieve your "before 30" list.
Either way, I've been struggling with that and school this week, which means I've not had time to do much of anything else. But now I can focus on the good a bit.
The good you say?
Well, I am working my ass off this week in order to go out this weekend. Hell yes, I am going out all weekend. Friday my partner is taking me somewhere for a quiet dinner. We typically do the melting pot, but that will be saved for another weekend this year. I haven't decided where we will go, but honestly I'd be happy with Chipotle or somewhere low key like that! Then the real fun starts!
Saturday we are heading up to visit friends in another city. Not just a few friends, but there are going to be around 20 of us (including spouses) all hanging out, enjoying a meal, drinking, and just being goofy people like we are. Why? Well, why not? I mean, yeah, this really isn't happening because it's my bday, but I can always pretend. :-p
So this week is full of school so this weekend can be full of fun! Seems like a fair trade off.
Until Next Time!
Second, my birthday is this week! I am excited. The big 3-0. Okay, maybe it's only big for me, but 30 is another decade older. I have been alive for 3 decades. That just sounds old! I have really wrestled with the idea of being 30... thirty years old! I don't know why, perhaps because when you are 15 the oldest you can think of is 30. Who knows. But it's been hard to wrap my brain around!
On top of that I am also struggling with how little I have accomplished in 30 years. I think that one is taking more of a toll on me than anything. In 30 years, I have accomplished nothing I wanted to do in life. I am still in school, trying to get a bachelors for fuck's sakes. I do not have children. I am ringed with someone (which I never thought I would do). I have not traveled outside of the US..... I mean, the big things I have just not done. Not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't. It's hard to realize that you won't achieve your "before 30" list.
Either way, I've been struggling with that and school this week, which means I've not had time to do much of anything else. But now I can focus on the good a bit.
The good you say?
Well, I am working my ass off this week in order to go out this weekend. Hell yes, I am going out all weekend. Friday my partner is taking me somewhere for a quiet dinner. We typically do the melting pot, but that will be saved for another weekend this year. I haven't decided where we will go, but honestly I'd be happy with Chipotle or somewhere low key like that! Then the real fun starts!
Saturday we are heading up to visit friends in another city. Not just a few friends, but there are going to be around 20 of us (including spouses) all hanging out, enjoying a meal, drinking, and just being goofy people like we are. Why? Well, why not? I mean, yeah, this really isn't happening because it's my bday, but I can always pretend. :-p
So this week is full of school so this weekend can be full of fun! Seems like a fair trade off.
Until Next Time!
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Children, daycare, ugh
Today I spent my day working worrying about the expectant mom we have matched with and looking up daycares. Sounds fun, yeah?
No.
My partner and I had this conversation and decided it was best if I finished my schooling while the baby is young. Which means that for the next 2 years the baby will have to be in daycare. And have you ever tried to get your kid into daycare? Yeahhh... insane! The baby isn't due until July of this year, and one center actually told me it would be almost a year before they could even tell me if they had an opening! We aren't even hoping for a spot until Jan of 2016 but yeah, apparently I'm late in looking.
So today was spent trying to find a center that I would be comfortable with. Isn't that such a first world problem? I mean, you really only think about these things when you have nothing else to worry about in life. And while we do have a few other things, this is what has taken over my mind. That and the fact that there is no Montessori infant schools in my area. Grr.
I should also mention I used to work at day care centers, so I'm pretty insanely picky but pretty lax at the same time. I understand how shit works, but I also know exactly what I want. Weird.
I also spent my day trying not to be paranoid about the utter lack of communication we have had with our attorney and the expecting mom. I like communication. I like when people call me or text me and tell me updates. Let me know how things are going. Right now I text and get no response, or a one word response, and it makes me horribly paranoid about life. Our last adoption failed and we learned that right after communication stopped. Communication is an adoption lifeline.
Today has been enlightening and paranoid inducing. Fun times yeah?!
Until Next Time.
No.
My partner and I had this conversation and decided it was best if I finished my schooling while the baby is young. Which means that for the next 2 years the baby will have to be in daycare. And have you ever tried to get your kid into daycare? Yeahhh... insane! The baby isn't due until July of this year, and one center actually told me it would be almost a year before they could even tell me if they had an opening! We aren't even hoping for a spot until Jan of 2016 but yeah, apparently I'm late in looking.
So today was spent trying to find a center that I would be comfortable with. Isn't that such a first world problem? I mean, you really only think about these things when you have nothing else to worry about in life. And while we do have a few other things, this is what has taken over my mind. That and the fact that there is no Montessori infant schools in my area. Grr.
I should also mention I used to work at day care centers, so I'm pretty insanely picky but pretty lax at the same time. I understand how shit works, but I also know exactly what I want. Weird.
I also spent my day trying not to be paranoid about the utter lack of communication we have had with our attorney and the expecting mom. I like communication. I like when people call me or text me and tell me updates. Let me know how things are going. Right now I text and get no response, or a one word response, and it makes me horribly paranoid about life. Our last adoption failed and we learned that right after communication stopped. Communication is an adoption lifeline.
Today has been enlightening and paranoid inducing. Fun times yeah?!
Until Next Time.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Look up
Look up young child, the world will improve.
Things will ease, your life won't always be hard.
Look up child, you will soon find your groove.
Things will change for you, because you matter.
It seems like no matter what, life is always going to be hard. Two steps forward, one step backwards. It seems like life as we know it is being thwarted at every turn. And that makes it hard to keep our heads up. Makes it hard to keep getting up every morning.
I don't know the point of this other than to say that it does get better. At the end of the every snow storm is the sun. No, snow doesn't get rainbows typically, but that doesn't make them any less beautiful. Today I choose to look for the sun at the end of the storm.
Until Next Time.
Monday, February 16, 2015
Twitter, blogging, school and other assorted things
First, I have officially joined Twitter. @Parading_Hawks. Feel free to follow me. I am very new to this, so I have no clue what is happening quite yet. But I was able to follow Neil Patrick Harris, so I'm pretty happy.
Blogging was off the table last week. It was test week at school, the first bit test of my education, lol. I got a B in Biology and I'm still waiting for my grade in Math.... not too shabby. My Spanish test will be this week at some point, which is going to be interesting. Needless to say, last week was a tough week for me to have any time to do anything but study for tests.
Since school was the theme of last week, that is all that is in my mind right now. School was called off today because of the snowpocalypse that we were expecting. We are probably 6 inches in so far (maybe more, I haven't taken a ruler out there) and I'm happy. So very happy. I am hoping to maybe get one more snow day, but that is mostly because I do not want to have to traipse through a foot of snow after lab tomorrow evening.
Though, this brings me to my next point, I got a new pair of gloves and a scarf. Whoop whoop. This is mostly so when I have to traipse through a foot of snow after lab class tomorrow I will have something to cover my hands and my face. My new gloves also have the special something or another that allows me to still be able to use my smart phone touch screen, which is an added bonus.
We spent our snow day doing nothing of much for nothing. We are currently finishing up Rosewater, which is a good movie. The story is powerful and thought provoking. The book is also awesome, and the movie very much plays out just like the book. It stays very true and I feel John Stewart did an amazing job putting this movie together. We absolutely give it glowing reviews. And wish we knew what more we could do.
Really that is all I have to say for now. I really need to go write a lab report for biology.
Until Next Time!
Blogging was off the table last week. It was test week at school, the first bit test of my education, lol. I got a B in Biology and I'm still waiting for my grade in Math.... not too shabby. My Spanish test will be this week at some point, which is going to be interesting. Needless to say, last week was a tough week for me to have any time to do anything but study for tests.
Since school was the theme of last week, that is all that is in my mind right now. School was called off today because of the snowpocalypse that we were expecting. We are probably 6 inches in so far (maybe more, I haven't taken a ruler out there) and I'm happy. So very happy. I am hoping to maybe get one more snow day, but that is mostly because I do not want to have to traipse through a foot of snow after lab tomorrow evening.
Though, this brings me to my next point, I got a new pair of gloves and a scarf. Whoop whoop. This is mostly so when I have to traipse through a foot of snow after lab class tomorrow I will have something to cover my hands and my face. My new gloves also have the special something or another that allows me to still be able to use my smart phone touch screen, which is an added bonus.
We spent our snow day doing nothing of much for nothing. We are currently finishing up Rosewater, which is a good movie. The story is powerful and thought provoking. The book is also awesome, and the movie very much plays out just like the book. It stays very true and I feel John Stewart did an amazing job putting this movie together. We absolutely give it glowing reviews. And wish we knew what more we could do.
Really that is all I have to say for now. I really need to go write a lab report for biology.
Until Next Time!
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Take time to smell the roses
Ever since I could remember, I have been a slow walker. I used to frustrate the crap out of people I would go walking with (and I probably still do!). I have never been one to rush around, walk as fast as I could, or anything like that. I enjoy walking slowly because it gives me an appreciate for the world around me, something you don't get when you speed through life.
This type of walking has always served me well. I don't get there quickly, but I adjust for that time wise. Yes, I usually arrive places really early, but who the hell complains because you have time to look around before your appointment? I make sure to arrive plenty early places so I can walk around, enjoy my sight seeing and just generally enjoy life.
Waling slowly gives me a chance to really embrace the philosophy of "stop and smell the roses". It's amazing how many small things you notice when you aren't rushing around. I highly recommend it to everyone. Taking that extra moment gives you that many more chances to really appreciate how beautiful everything truly is in this world.
I challenge you all to take a moment and walk a little slower. See what you can see.
Until Next Time.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
A frustrating day
I am so frustrated right now and it is all because of bullshit. Basically, I am just having a frustrating day. And it's really frustrating. Did I mention it was frustrating?
Because I'm frustrated.
On a different note, school is going well. I had to drop chemistry, it just wasn't worth it. From there the 4 classes I have left are awesome. I am learning some and generally enjoying my time at school. I won't say I'm making friends... I'm not sure I know how to make friends in the classic sense. But, but I did sit on the bus and talk for a bit with a guy in my class. I learned about his past, what brought him to my quaint city, what his plans are for the future. I don't know that we are friends, but we are friendly. He is also typically my partner in class for partner assignments. So there is that.
Life at home is moving slowly but surely. Our goal this weekend is the dig out a little in the nursery and to get our bedroom and bathroom cleaned. One down side of me being back in school is the house doesn't look as pretty as it used to, but I think we are both okay with that. It just requires us to both work on the weekends to make the house presentable to outsiders, lol.
I guess that is all the update I have right now. Life is trucking forward and shit moves on. Hopefully tomorrow I will be less frustrated.
Until Next Time!
Because I'm frustrated.
On a different note, school is going well. I had to drop chemistry, it just wasn't worth it. From there the 4 classes I have left are awesome. I am learning some and generally enjoying my time at school. I won't say I'm making friends... I'm not sure I know how to make friends in the classic sense. But, but I did sit on the bus and talk for a bit with a guy in my class. I learned about his past, what brought him to my quaint city, what his plans are for the future. I don't know that we are friends, but we are friendly. He is also typically my partner in class for partner assignments. So there is that.
Life at home is moving slowly but surely. Our goal this weekend is the dig out a little in the nursery and to get our bedroom and bathroom cleaned. One down side of me being back in school is the house doesn't look as pretty as it used to, but I think we are both okay with that. It just requires us to both work on the weekends to make the house presentable to outsiders, lol.
I guess that is all the update I have right now. Life is trucking forward and shit moves on. Hopefully tomorrow I will be less frustrated.
Until Next Time!
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