Upcoming changes and stuff

So first things first, I am going to be changing the template of the blog.  I plan to add adsense as a way to make a few pennies during the month, as I have 9 whole readers on average.  I don't expect to make money, I just want that option.  The problem is I have no clue how to add an adsense add to this template... I don't really know how to do it with the blogger templates either, but I think it will be easier because that's how things always work.  So expect a few aesthetic changes in the future.


Second, my birthday is this week!  I am excited.  The big 3-0.  Okay, maybe it's only big for me, but 30 is another decade older.  I have been alive for 3 decades.  That just sounds old!  I have really wrestled with the idea of being 30... thirty years old!  I don't know why, perhaps because when  you are 15  the oldest you can think of is 30.  Who knows.  But it's been hard to wrap my brain around!

On top of that I am also struggling with how little I have accomplished in 30 years.  I think that one is taking more of a toll on me than anything.  In 30 years, I have accomplished nothing I wanted to do in life.  I am still in school, trying to get a bachelors for fuck's sakes.  I do not have children.  I am ringed with someone (which I never thought I would do).  I have not traveled outside of the US..... I mean, the big things I have just not done.  Not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't.  It's hard to realize that you won't achieve your "before 30" list.

Either way, I've been struggling with that and school this week, which means I've not had time to do much of anything else.  But now I can focus on the good a bit.

The good you say?

Well, I am working my ass off this week in order to go out this weekend.  Hell yes, I am going out all weekend.  Friday my partner is taking me somewhere for a quiet dinner.  We typically do the melting pot, but that will be saved for another weekend this year.  I haven't decided where we will go, but honestly I'd be happy with Chipotle or somewhere low key like that!  Then the real fun starts!

Saturday we are heading up to visit friends in another city.  Not just a few friends, but there are going to be around 20 of us (including spouses) all hanging out, enjoying a meal, drinking, and just being goofy people like we are.  Why?  Well, why not?  I mean, yeah, this really isn't happening because it's my bday, but I can always pretend.  :-p

So this week is full of school so this weekend can be full of fun!  Seems like a fair trade off.

Until Next Time!

Children, daycare, ugh

Today I spent my day working worrying about the expectant mom we have matched with and looking up daycares.  Sounds fun, yeah?

No.

My partner and I had this conversation and decided it was best if I finished my schooling while the baby is young.  Which means that for the next 2 years the baby will have to be in daycare.  And have you ever tried to get your kid into daycare?  Yeahhh... insane!  The baby isn't due until July of this year, and one center actually told me it would be almost a year before they could even tell me if they had an opening!  We aren't even hoping for a spot until Jan of 2016 but yeah, apparently I'm late in looking.

So today was spent trying to find a center that I would be comfortable with.  Isn't that such a first world problem?  I mean, you really only think about these things when you have nothing else to worry about in life.  And while we do have a few other things, this is what has taken over my mind.  That and the fact that there is no Montessori infant schools in my area.  Grr.

I should also mention I used to work at day care centers, so I'm pretty insanely picky but pretty lax at the same time.  I understand how shit works, but I also know exactly what I want.  Weird.

I also spent my day trying not to be paranoid about the utter lack of communication we have had with our attorney and the expecting mom.  I like communication.  I like when people call me or text me and tell me updates.  Let me know how things are going.  Right now I text and get no response, or a one word response, and it makes me horribly paranoid about life.  Our last adoption failed and we learned that right after communication stopped.  Communication is an adoption lifeline. 

Today has been enlightening and paranoid inducing.  Fun times yeah?!

Until Next Time. 

Look up

Look up young child, the world will improve.  

Things will ease, your life won't always be hard.

Look up child, you will soon find your groove.

Things will change for you, because you matter.

Sometimes it seems like the snow is always falling.  Yes, some people love snow, but sometimes the snow is so much more.

It seems like no matter what, life is always going to be hard.  Two steps forward, one step backwards.  It seems like life as we know it is being thwarted at every turn.  And that makes it hard to keep our heads up.  Makes it hard to keep getting up every morning. 

As the sun raises on another snowy day, I can't help but drawing comparisons to how life feels right now.  I currently live in a state that doesn't allow marriage for me.  It doesn't allow marriage because some people find what I do in the bedroom "icky".  Or that it some how invalidates their love.  How can love downgrade love?  That is something I can't understand.

I don't know the point of this other than to say that it does get better.  At the end of the every snow storm is the sun.  No, snow doesn't get rainbows typically, but that doesn't make them any less beautiful.  Today I choose to look for the sun at the end of the storm. 

Until Next Time.

Twitter, blogging, school and other assorted things

First, I have officially joined Twitter.  @Parading_Hawks.  Feel free to follow me.  I am very new to this, so I have no clue what is happening quite yet.  But I was able to follow Neil Patrick Harris, so I'm pretty happy.

Blogging was off the table last week.  It was test week at school, the first bit test of my education, lol.  I got a B in Biology and I'm still waiting for my grade in Math.... not too shabby.  My Spanish test will be this week at some point, which is going to be interesting.  Needless to say, last week was a tough week for me to have any time to do anything but study for tests. 

Since school was the theme of last week, that is all that is in my mind right now.  School was called off today because of the snowpocalypse that we were expecting.  We are probably 6 inches in so far (maybe more, I haven't taken a ruler out there) and I'm happy.  So very happy.  I am hoping to maybe get one more snow day, but that is mostly because I do not want to have to traipse through a foot of snow after lab tomorrow evening. 

Though, this brings me to my next point, I got a new pair of gloves and a scarf.  Whoop whoop.  This is mostly so when I have to traipse through a foot of snow after lab class tomorrow I will have something to cover my hands and my face. My new gloves also have the special something or another that allows me to still be able to use my smart phone touch screen, which is an added bonus. 

We spent our snow day doing nothing of much for nothing.  We are currently finishing up Rosewater, which is a good movie.  The story is powerful and thought provoking.  The book is also awesome, and the movie very much plays out just like the book.  It stays very true and I feel John Stewart did an amazing job putting this movie together.  We absolutely give it glowing reviews.  And wish we knew what more we could do.  

Really that is all I have to say for now.  I really need to go write a lab report for biology.

Until Next Time!

Take time to smell the roses

Ever since I could remember, I have been a slow walker.  I used to frustrate the crap out of people I would go walking with (and I probably still do!).  I have never been one to rush around, walk as fast as I could, or anything like that.  I enjoy walking slowly because it gives me an appreciate for the world around me, something you don't get when you speed through life.

This type of walking has always served me well.  I don't get there quickly, but I adjust for that time wise.  Yes, I usually arrive places really early, but who the hell complains because you have time to look around before your appointment?  I make sure to arrive plenty early places so I can walk around, enjoy my sight seeing and just generally enjoy life.

Waling slowly gives me a chance to really embrace the philosophy of "stop and smell the roses".  It's amazing how many small things you notice when you aren't rushing around.  I highly recommend it to everyone.  Taking that extra moment gives you that many more chances to really appreciate how beautiful everything truly is in this world. 

I challenge you all to take a moment and walk a little slower.  See what you can see.

Until Next Time.

A frustrating day

I am so frustrated right now and it is all because of bullshit.  Basically, I am just having a frustrating day.  And it's really frustrating.  Did I mention it was frustrating?

Because I'm frustrated.

On a different note, school is going well.  I had to drop chemistry, it just wasn't worth it.  From there the 4 classes I have left are awesome.  I am learning some and generally enjoying my time at school.  I won't say I'm making friends... I'm not sure I know how to make friends in the classic sense.  But, but I did sit on the bus and talk for a bit with a guy in my class.  I learned about his past, what brought him to my quaint city, what his plans are for the future.  I don't know that we are friends, but we are friendly.  He is also typically my partner in class for partner assignments.  So there is that.

Life at home is moving slowly but surely.  Our goal this weekend is the dig out a little in the nursery and to get our bedroom and bathroom cleaned.  One down side of me being back in school is the house doesn't look as pretty as it used to, but I think we are both okay with that.  It just requires us to both work on the weekends to make the house presentable to outsiders, lol.

I guess that is all the update I have right now.  Life is trucking forward and shit moves on.  Hopefully tomorrow I will be less frustrated.

Until Next Time!

100 posts

I feel like I should post something exciting!  It's my 100th post and here it is.  A big ball of nothing. 

School has slowed down mostly because I dropped a class.  But tonight is the first night in several weeks that I haven't been swamped with homework.  It sucks I had to drop a class, but it is really for the best.  I am still a full time student, but now without the overwhelming anxiety that came with that one extra class.  It is amazing how calm I truly feel. 

So here is my 100th post, a post to deal with the lack of anxiety I feel over school now that I am one class less than I was 3 days ago.  My dogs and I are now going to go upstairs and debate if 8:40pm is too early for bed.  I'm leaning towards no, since they are both already snoring.

Until Next Time.

Sunday night..

.. and I'm tired. 

Okay, okay, "Feeling right" would rhyme, but I'm just too tired.

School is eating me alive.  I need to find my rhythm, my balance.  I need to get in the swing of things.  But right now I am finding myself pulling my hair out trying to make it all work.  Trying to remember deadlines and what happens when, and who goes where.  It is making me a little anxious.  I am going to try to get a post up detailing how I outline my week and do my work, but I am still trying to find that sweet spot. 

School - life balance is also non existent at the moment.  I find myself doing school, then working on the child advocacy program I volunteer for, and then whatever time I don't have left over is offered to my partner.  And that is unfair to him.  We laid in bed an extra 10 or so minutes this morning before I realized that no, we really needed to get up go about the day.  It was just depressing to me that those 10 minutes were the best I could offer him today.  Today we had to get groceries, we had to do laundry (which was a comical sort this morning when we forgot to load the washer before running it... ), I had to meet with my kiddos I advocate for, I had homework to get done, and eventually we have eat.  All this had to happen in a 15 or so hour day.  And it's taking its toll on me.

All that said, right now in our life is the perfect time for me to go back to school, and we both know this.  It is perfect timing for me to get a degree that in the future will actually help our family.  It's perfect for me to be away from the house and relationship quite a bit right now, because in 2 years this will be all worth it.  In two years this will be a distant memory as we are finally making enough to support the size of family we both want.  In two years this will all be worth it when I have a flexible job doing something I love.

But right now, in the here and now, life is rough.

And sadly this is all the blogging time I have for today.  For now I have to go help figure out what is for supper, register for a couple of my labs that start this week, complete Spanish homework I haven't done yet, and help with folding and moving over laundry. 

Until Next Time.

Oh what a week!

Hi.

So this week has flown by!  I didn't realize it was Friday until half way through the day.  Insane, I tell you, insane.  This week has been both frustrating and exciting. 

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were merely days.  They were exciting but just filled with school.  This was the first full week of school and it was filled.  I haven't been this tired in a long long time.  I worked hard on Thursday to not fall asleep in class, and that is unusual for me.  Especially considering the class I struggled the most in was Biology.  But I survived and made it through my first full week of school.  Next week we add Lab classes into the mix.

But this week also gave us an adoption situation we are actively pursuing.  We have officially matched with an expectant mother.  I am nervous to post this, but that is because we have a long, sordid history with adoption that has ended with us having two failed adoptions.  It makes me sad to even think about, let alone think that this adoption could end in the same way.  The differences are many, including a lack of taboo on the idea of adoption within the community of the expectant mother and the fact that this is not her first adoption. 

But it is also our only chance for quite some time.  This is a private adoption and it will take pretty much all of our saved money.  That means it doesn't matter if this one fails, we get very little money back and that is it.  And we are nervous.  However, we are also very optimistic and hopeful.  We can't help but be hopeful. 

With the adoption on the horizon, we also have the task of learning as much as we can about the culture of the expectant mother.  Learning the customs as best as we can, learning at least a little of the language, learning major holidays... those are all so important in raising a child cross culturally.  I find being connected to my culture has been so important in forming my own identity and I want that for any and all our future children.  

Anyway, we have had an exciting and long week.  Hopefully you have had a great week too!

Until Next Time!

Martin Luther King Jr.

His words speak for themselves.  Read them.  Source of this text

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we've come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we've come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the "unalienable Rights" of "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds."

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so, we've come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice.

We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. And those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. And there will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.

The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.

We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.

We cannot turn back.

There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their self-hood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating: "For Whites Only." We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until "justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream."

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. And some of you have come from areas where your quest -- quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive. Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.

And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together."

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to the South with.

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

And this will be the day -- this will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning:

My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.

Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim's pride,

From every mountainside, let freedom ring!

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.

And so let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire.

Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York.

Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania.

Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado.

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California.

But not only that:

Let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia.

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee.

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi.

From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, and when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:

                Free at last! Free at last!

                Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!