One year ago today I opened a blog. How exciting! Over the course of the year, I've written 123 posts (which is also pretty cool, BTW). I've had an average of 15 visitors daily... not very many but that's exciting that there is at least one person who is reading regularly!
My most popular posts:
Father's day letter
Shhh it's a secret!
I don't have statistics on search words and such like that, not enough people find my blog on their own. But occasionally someone will be directed here through google, which is fun!
This blog has also changed it's original focus. I was going to make this a blog with my writing work, originally, but you know what my least read posts are? My ones where I share my creative writing. I still share it, occasionally, but it's no longer the focus of this whole crazy thing.
Here's to another year. This next one is looking to be even more exciting!
Until Next Time!
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Why does he have a better notebook than me?!
First, can I share a little linguistically/English awesomeness I learned recently from a friend? When you use this punctuation, ?!, it is call an interrobang. How cool is that? It basically symbolizes a question asked excitedly. And it's more than appropriate for the post title.
As a writer, I covet notebooks. I have more than I probably should, but I really really like them. I am an "old fashioned" writer. Basically I write mostly by hand, then transfer it to the computer later. I love sitting down with a good pen and a beautiful notebook and taking my time to craft beautiful words on paper. There is just something magically about that.
So when I noticed that my partner had a better, prettier notebook than I did, I was aghast! How could he have a better, prettier notebook than me?! (<~~ See, proper use of an interrobang.) When I asked him, he just shrugged. He uses his notebook to just keep a few things about work written down. He uses it sparingly and no more than a couple words a page. And that just makes me sad. His notebook is absolutely beautiful and it's used for one or two words a page.
I have decided, and my Partner completely is behind me, that I am going to go buy some beautiful new notebooks for myself. I need that beauty to be able to actually sit down and write. I need to make sure I am surrounded by lovely things so I can write lovely. Even my dystopian novels need to start by me being surrounded by good things. I will send out pictures as soon as I find something that inspires me.
What is your writing inspiration? Do you use a notebook or are you a computer all the way person?
Until Next Time!
As a writer, I covet notebooks. I have more than I probably should, but I really really like them. I am an "old fashioned" writer. Basically I write mostly by hand, then transfer it to the computer later. I love sitting down with a good pen and a beautiful notebook and taking my time to craft beautiful words on paper. There is just something magically about that.
So when I noticed that my partner had a better, prettier notebook than I did, I was aghast! How could he have a better, prettier notebook than me?! (<~~ See, proper use of an interrobang.) When I asked him, he just shrugged. He uses his notebook to just keep a few things about work written down. He uses it sparingly and no more than a couple words a page. And that just makes me sad. His notebook is absolutely beautiful and it's used for one or two words a page.
I have decided, and my Partner completely is behind me, that I am going to go buy some beautiful new notebooks for myself. I need that beauty to be able to actually sit down and write. I need to make sure I am surrounded by lovely things so I can write lovely. Even my dystopian novels need to start by me being surrounded by good things. I will send out pictures as soon as I find something that inspires me.
What is your writing inspiration? Do you use a notebook or are you a computer all the way person?
Until Next Time!
Friday, April 10, 2015
blogging updates
So I'm fucking around with the blog today. I will hopefully have a proper blog for you guys later, but right now I'm just changing colors and all that jazz. Feel free to drop a comment if you see something you like, or don't like, I'd love to hear from you!
Until Next Time!
Until Next Time!
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
I don't want your pity...
I want to be treated like a human being.
So right now there is a blog post by some random Christian going around that has a graphic about how if you are FORCED to bake a gay person a cake, you should bake them two. It's based on Matthew 5:41, which reads "And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain." Which basically means if you are forced, not of your free will, to not only walk them one mile, walk them two. Because you should embrace the trials you have forced upon you by those evil sinners and go above and beyond!
Are you fucking kidding me?!
This martyr complex some people have going for them right now is getting really old. If you don't want to bake a cake for a gay wedding no one is forcing you. Sure as hell aren't forcing you to bake two so you can be a saint amongst sinners. You can decline service to anyone you want, but keep your God to yourself. Merely say no and move on.
Is it that difficult to just say no?
I get so frustrated when people want to treat gays like second class citizens, but I get even more frustrated when people want to pretend to do good so their god will like them better and they can rub it in everyone's face. Want to know what Jesus said about showing off how Christian you are?
"And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward." Matthew 6:5
So how about you stop trying to show off how awesome you are and just live your life. Just think how awesome the world would be if everyone would just live their life and stop trying to police what two consenting adults choose to do in their bedroom.
So I don't want your pity, I just want to live my life with my partner, happily ever after.
Until Next Time.
So right now there is a blog post by some random Christian going around that has a graphic about how if you are FORCED to bake a gay person a cake, you should bake them two. It's based on Matthew 5:41, which reads "And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain." Which basically means if you are forced, not of your free will, to not only walk them one mile, walk them two. Because you should embrace the trials you have forced upon you by those evil sinners and go above and beyond!
Are you fucking kidding me?!
This martyr complex some people have going for them right now is getting really old. If you don't want to bake a cake for a gay wedding no one is forcing you. Sure as hell aren't forcing you to bake two so you can be a saint amongst sinners. You can decline service to anyone you want, but keep your God to yourself. Merely say no and move on.
Is it that difficult to just say no?
I get so frustrated when people want to treat gays like second class citizens, but I get even more frustrated when people want to pretend to do good so their god will like them better and they can rub it in everyone's face. Want to know what Jesus said about showing off how Christian you are?
"And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward." Matthew 6:5
So how about you stop trying to show off how awesome you are and just live your life. Just think how awesome the world would be if everyone would just live their life and stop trying to police what two consenting adults choose to do in their bedroom.
So I don't want your pity, I just want to live my life with my partner, happily ever after.
Until Next Time.
Monday, April 6, 2015
invisible
Every so often I get a small glimpse of being invisible. I see all my friends planning a get together, or everyone rallying behind someone who is doing something that I have been doing that no one seemed to care about, or someone starts encouraging someone in a way that I wish they would have encouraged me. It's in those moments I realize I have achieved what I thought was my life long goal of having everyone forget about me.
And then I realize that now that I have achieved this invisibility, I'm not so sure I want it anymore. Or maybe it's because I'm having an overly emotional week. Or maybe that I have what I want it's time to find a new goal. I don't know, but tonight I am feeling raw and fragile and completely alone.
I firmly understand that some of these feeling are rooted in jealousy. I am insanely jealous that I am not a forethought in any one's mind. I am merely their after thought... "Oh, do you think we should invite Hawk? I mean, we need another person to drive"... yeah that's who I am to most everyone I know. A stable friend who "doesn't mind" not being invited or that friend who "understands" that the friends are excited for me, but they don't have time to really let me know... or any number of other things that basically come down to "well we know Hawk will still be there, it's cool if we completely ignore everything he does. He won't mind". And for the most part, I don't. I honestly don't. But on this week, at this moment, I am jealous.
But I am also paranoid. When you are ignored constantly you begin to wonder if these people are really your friends or if they are humoring you. How is that for conflicting emotions... "I don't care, but maybe they don't really like me!" Hah. Welcome to my life.
I am having a rough week as we work through changes and prepare for a different kind of month. Things will settle down and I'll go back to being okay knowing that other people are more than I will ever be, and that's okay. I will go back to being okay with being invisible. But tonight, I just had to get it out there... sometimes it sucks knowing you are looked over constantly.
Yet what sucks more is knowing that I did this to myself.
Until Next Time.
And then I realize that now that I have achieved this invisibility, I'm not so sure I want it anymore. Or maybe it's because I'm having an overly emotional week. Or maybe that I have what I want it's time to find a new goal. I don't know, but tonight I am feeling raw and fragile and completely alone.
I firmly understand that some of these feeling are rooted in jealousy. I am insanely jealous that I am not a forethought in any one's mind. I am merely their after thought... "Oh, do you think we should invite Hawk? I mean, we need another person to drive"... yeah that's who I am to most everyone I know. A stable friend who "doesn't mind" not being invited or that friend who "understands" that the friends are excited for me, but they don't have time to really let me know... or any number of other things that basically come down to "well we know Hawk will still be there, it's cool if we completely ignore everything he does. He won't mind". And for the most part, I don't. I honestly don't. But on this week, at this moment, I am jealous.
But I am also paranoid. When you are ignored constantly you begin to wonder if these people are really your friends or if they are humoring you. How is that for conflicting emotions... "I don't care, but maybe they don't really like me!" Hah. Welcome to my life.
I am having a rough week as we work through changes and prepare for a different kind of month. Things will settle down and I'll go back to being okay knowing that other people are more than I will ever be, and that's okay. I will go back to being okay with being invisible. But tonight, I just had to get it out there... sometimes it sucks knowing you are looked over constantly.
Yet what sucks more is knowing that I did this to myself.
Until Next Time.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
First thunderstorm
So to keep up with my boring life, and by default my boring phobias, we are having our first thunderstorm of the season. Words are being thrown around by our weathermen like "Squall line" and "nickel sized hail". Weather alerts are also being tossed out by the NWS. Not the best way to live on a Thursday. I am terrified of Thunderstorms, always have been. So today is not great.
It didn't start out great either, now that I think about it. Math was fine this morning, and I had a small snack for breakfast after class. Then it started raining and I went on and headed across campus to my second class and that is where the crap started. It was thundering, of course, and some asshole ran through a puddle at 100 miles an hour, splashing all us students on the sidewalk. I was drenched in mud and rain and cold and it was STILL raining and thundering. Yeah, I skipping second class and came home. I am not sitting in class covered in yuck.
Now I'm sitting in my living room, pantsless of course, waiting for my partner to get home. Tonight we are going to get me a better rain jacket. My poncho is nice and all, but it's ripped to hell and just not great. Hopefully he'll treat me to a night out as well, but I'm not holding my breath. We went out last night and it was a complete failure. Awful food, not amazing service, so so pie... we need a redo!
That's all I got today. Pantless, in a storm.
Until Next Time!
It didn't start out great either, now that I think about it. Math was fine this morning, and I had a small snack for breakfast after class. Then it started raining and I went on and headed across campus to my second class and that is where the crap started. It was thundering, of course, and some asshole ran through a puddle at 100 miles an hour, splashing all us students on the sidewalk. I was drenched in mud and rain and cold and it was STILL raining and thundering. Yeah, I skipping second class and came home. I am not sitting in class covered in yuck.
Now I'm sitting in my living room, pantsless of course, waiting for my partner to get home. Tonight we are going to get me a better rain jacket. My poncho is nice and all, but it's ripped to hell and just not great. Hopefully he'll treat me to a night out as well, but I'm not holding my breath. We went out last night and it was a complete failure. Awful food, not amazing service, so so pie... we need a redo!
That's all I got today. Pantless, in a storm.
Until Next Time!
Monday, March 30, 2015
Hitting a milestone
Today I got a notification that the woman we have matched with for the adoption hit 24 weeks. It's a finish line of sorts, the baby at this stage can be born viable to life outside of the womb. I posted on social media about it and several women I know commented about how exciting it was. They shared their personal stories and I am so thankful for them. I often forget that the way this will progress for us will be different than it is for a "normal" pregnancy. 24 weeks is an exciting milestone. It is an exciting milestone.
What is our celebration point? The signature from the judge that the baby is now in our care and has our last name. Yeah, even the birth, while exciting, is not when we will celebrate fully. I am happy that this baby has a damn good chance to survive outside of the womb, I will be even happier when we get a chance to hold him or her. I will be even happier when we get a chance to love this child, and bring them home with us, and just become the family we have wanted to be for so long.
But I can't help but live in a little fear and a little detached from the whole thing. We are excited, we are happy, we are also nervous that this will end like every other adoption attempt we have gone through. I say we, but I think I am more nervous than my partner. He wants to believe that this is our time, our turn, our good chance. I want to believe that too, but I also wanted to believe that about our other two chances. I am jaded.
We have had a couple "what happens next" conversations. I think they drag us both down, but not having a plan is not a real option. So we have a plan we hope we never have to use. That plan consists of "Try again I guess". What a plan! But let's not think about that okay? Instead, we should go back to talking about what's happening in reality, and our milestone we hit.
I looked up what 24 weeks means exactly in the baby development world and this is what I found, from babycenter.com.
Taste buds at 24 weeks, that is pretty awesome! She are also rounding the corner on the second trimester. 3 weeks left until we hit the magical 3rd trimester than all adoptive parents wait for. For our specific adoption, this is the time when baby's mom can have her hearing in court to make sure she is able to give consent to the adoption. This also is the time when the father can sign his paperwork to release this child for adoption. We also have a contract update done at this time that will outline what future contact mom and dad would like baby. I don't think our specific contract will change, as we are doing an open adoption and I'm not sure we could be any more open, but it's nice to know that this is the time she can make changes if she wants.
Overall a positive thing, hitting 24 weeks today. 16 weeks left on this crazy roller coaster. How exciting, and terrifying, at the same time!
Until Next Time!
 |
| 24 weeks baby is the size of an ear of corn. (image:babycenter) |
What is our celebration point? The signature from the judge that the baby is now in our care and has our last name. Yeah, even the birth, while exciting, is not when we will celebrate fully. I am happy that this baby has a damn good chance to survive outside of the womb, I will be even happier when we get a chance to hold him or her. I will be even happier when we get a chance to love this child, and bring them home with us, and just become the family we have wanted to be for so long.
But I can't help but live in a little fear and a little detached from the whole thing. We are excited, we are happy, we are also nervous that this will end like every other adoption attempt we have gone through. I say we, but I think I am more nervous than my partner. He wants to believe that this is our time, our turn, our good chance. I want to believe that too, but I also wanted to believe that about our other two chances. I am jaded.
We have had a couple "what happens next" conversations. I think they drag us both down, but not having a plan is not a real option. So we have a plan we hope we never have to use. That plan consists of "Try again I guess". What a plan! But let's not think about that okay? Instead, we should go back to talking about what's happening in reality, and our milestone we hit.
I looked up what 24 weeks means exactly in the baby development world and this is what I found, from babycenter.com.
Lungs: Your baby's lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory"tree" as well as cells that will produce surfactant, a substance that helps air sacs in the lungs inflate easily.Skin: Your skin may be feeling a bit itchy and dry as it stretches. Keeping it well moisturized may help.Taste buds: Your baby's taste buds are developing now.Uterus: The top of your uterus is now an inch or so above your belly button, making it about the size of a soccer ball.
Taste buds at 24 weeks, that is pretty awesome! She are also rounding the corner on the second trimester. 3 weeks left until we hit the magical 3rd trimester than all adoptive parents wait for. For our specific adoption, this is the time when baby's mom can have her hearing in court to make sure she is able to give consent to the adoption. This also is the time when the father can sign his paperwork to release this child for adoption. We also have a contract update done at this time that will outline what future contact mom and dad would like baby. I don't think our specific contract will change, as we are doing an open adoption and I'm not sure we could be any more open, but it's nice to know that this is the time she can make changes if she wants.
Overall a positive thing, hitting 24 weeks today. 16 weeks left on this crazy roller coaster. How exciting, and terrifying, at the same time!
Until Next Time!
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
30, queer, in school
So I was asked to write an op ed piece for a queer journal at the school about being "30, in school, and queer". Apparently that is a "challenging yet aspiring combination".
Uhm what?
I'm 30, not dead. I'm in school to learn. I'm queer because my partner is a hottie.
But I'm pretty sure that won't suffice for the 125-175 word article.
So here I sit, on the blog, trying to work out the words that will make an impact, yet not sound cliche and stupid. Isn't that the fear of every writer? To sound cliche and stupid is worse than death in some circles.
So I guess my thing is I am 30, but I am still going strong. Yeah, it has taken me a bit to get my shit together so go to school. Honestly, I wouldn't be here if it was for my partner telling me that it was time. School has always been daunting for me. Yeah, I'm smart, but that doesn't always translate into schooling well. I'm also dyslexic and despise not understanding something. Math has brought me to tears more times than I care to remember. But I digress. School is important. So I came back. Technically I started back in school when I was 27, but ended up taking a couple semesters off because of adoption situations that fell through. So yeah, it's taken me three years to reach junior status, but I'm here.
As for being queer and back in school, it is what it is. I have no real feelings that being queer has done anything for to me in regards to learning. Yeah, some pathways are a bit more difficult because of shit that's happened in the past, but it hasn't stopped me. It can't stop you. Being queer doesn't mean you can't learn or are unemployable or anything like that. Being queer is just one aspect of a complete person.... I am not a queer who happens to be a person, I am a person who happens to be a queer. I'm not sure why being queer is part of this equation.
As for school. Do what makes you happy. Some people don't want to go to school, that's cool. Some people want to go and that's cool too. Whatever makes you happy is what you should be doing, nothing less.
So there you go. I'm 30, queer, and in school and that's how I feel about it. Now to polish that and submit it.
Until Next Time.
Uhm what?
I'm 30, not dead. I'm in school to learn. I'm queer because my partner is a hottie.
But I'm pretty sure that won't suffice for the 125-175 word article.
So here I sit, on the blog, trying to work out the words that will make an impact, yet not sound cliche and stupid. Isn't that the fear of every writer? To sound cliche and stupid is worse than death in some circles.
So I guess my thing is I am 30, but I am still going strong. Yeah, it has taken me a bit to get my shit together so go to school. Honestly, I wouldn't be here if it was for my partner telling me that it was time. School has always been daunting for me. Yeah, I'm smart, but that doesn't always translate into schooling well. I'm also dyslexic and despise not understanding something. Math has brought me to tears more times than I care to remember. But I digress. School is important. So I came back. Technically I started back in school when I was 27, but ended up taking a couple semesters off because of adoption situations that fell through. So yeah, it's taken me three years to reach junior status, but I'm here.
As for being queer and back in school, it is what it is. I have no real feelings that being queer has done anything for to me in regards to learning. Yeah, some pathways are a bit more difficult because of shit that's happened in the past, but it hasn't stopped me. It can't stop you. Being queer doesn't mean you can't learn or are unemployable or anything like that. Being queer is just one aspect of a complete person.... I am not a queer who happens to be a person, I am a person who happens to be a queer. I'm not sure why being queer is part of this equation.
As for school. Do what makes you happy. Some people don't want to go to school, that's cool. Some people want to go and that's cool too. Whatever makes you happy is what you should be doing, nothing less.
So there you go. I'm 30, queer, and in school and that's how I feel about it. Now to polish that and submit it.
Until Next Time.
Friday, March 20, 2015
Not how my week was planned to go
I want a do over! Spring break has sucked! My car was totaled, we found one we really like but haven't been able to get back to get it yet. My break has been dealing with this damn car and I'm over it! I haven't been able to sleep in at all, which was high on my list. Nor have I been able to go to lunch with a friend nor catch up on homework, which sadly was on my list.
I haven't been thrilled with the car totallying process, but my insurance has been amazing. Within 24 hours of the accident, my insurance totaled the car and gave us a check. That is pretty damn amazing, in my opinion. The accident was not my fault, so I'm not under any liability. Just waiting for the police report so I can get my deductible back.
Today we are going to the bank to get the final approval for the loan for the new car. I have fallen in love with said car and can't wait to take it on the roadway as mine... if we get it. We have looked at a ton of cars and I am just sad at how none will ever live up with my workhorse car. But this one we are hoping to buy SHOULD last us through all 4 kids (that we want) and then some. It's a newer car and has a ton of room! That is exciting.
Also, on the random scale today, I really need to spend some time cleaning my house. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until I took a meditation moment to look around. Ew. I would be so embarrassed to have anyone drop by right now, and that's so unlike me. I don't think it will happen this weekend, but soon I will be undertaking my house. Spring fever has hit and I must clean, must must must!
My life is rather boring this week because it's been all about cars. And getting caught up on The View. Today The genie from Broadway's Aladdin is on there! I am excited for James Monroe Iglehart's take on hot topics!!!
Until Next Time!
I haven't been thrilled with the car totallying process, but my insurance has been amazing. Within 24 hours of the accident, my insurance totaled the car and gave us a check. That is pretty damn amazing, in my opinion. The accident was not my fault, so I'm not under any liability. Just waiting for the police report so I can get my deductible back.
Today we are going to the bank to get the final approval for the loan for the new car. I have fallen in love with said car and can't wait to take it on the roadway as mine... if we get it. We have looked at a ton of cars and I am just sad at how none will ever live up with my workhorse car. But this one we are hoping to buy SHOULD last us through all 4 kids (that we want) and then some. It's a newer car and has a ton of room! That is exciting.
Also, on the random scale today, I really need to spend some time cleaning my house. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until I took a meditation moment to look around. Ew. I would be so embarrassed to have anyone drop by right now, and that's so unlike me. I don't think it will happen this weekend, but soon I will be undertaking my house. Spring fever has hit and I must clean, must must must!
My life is rather boring this week because it's been all about cars. And getting caught up on The View. Today The genie from Broadway's Aladdin is on there! I am excited for James Monroe Iglehart's take on hot topics!!!
Until Next Time!
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Spring break and car wrecks
So spring break is already two days in to a week that's flying by and I'm ready for it to slow down a bit, and be over at the same time! I was hoping to spend a week relaxing at home, perhaps doing a little cleaning, but no stress. Well that went out the window.
Car wrecks have ruined my week and it's pissed me off. My poor car was hit yesterday. I am fine, everyone I know is fine, but my car is not fine. Pretty sure they will total it out, because honestly my car is nothing exciting nor worth much money in good condition. I think the KBB on the car is $1,900 and everyone I've shown the pictures to have valued the damage at $2k or more.
So today I've been shopping online for a new car! Well, browsing, as I have no clue what I will qualify for nor how much we can really afford. I am enjoying the looking though! Who knew cars have so many bells and whistles now a days. I just want something to play my CDs and that is safe for any children we may have some day.
On top of the car issues, my professors have all taken this week to send out a bazillion emails about homework that is due Sunday evening. Who the hell schedules homework over spring break? I mean, you want to get the most out of your students, but if the week is supposed to be without school, why am I spending my time working on school?
Anyway, I hope you all are having a better week than I am, so far. I now have to do adult things like go to the grocery store, finish knitting a scarf and hat set, trim the roses, and then pick my partner up from work. Thankfully he is cool with me having his car.
Until Next Time!
Car wrecks have ruined my week and it's pissed me off. My poor car was hit yesterday. I am fine, everyone I know is fine, but my car is not fine. Pretty sure they will total it out, because honestly my car is nothing exciting nor worth much money in good condition. I think the KBB on the car is $1,900 and everyone I've shown the pictures to have valued the damage at $2k or more.
So today I've been shopping online for a new car! Well, browsing, as I have no clue what I will qualify for nor how much we can really afford. I am enjoying the looking though! Who knew cars have so many bells and whistles now a days. I just want something to play my CDs and that is safe for any children we may have some day.
On top of the car issues, my professors have all taken this week to send out a bazillion emails about homework that is due Sunday evening. Who the hell schedules homework over spring break? I mean, you want to get the most out of your students, but if the week is supposed to be without school, why am I spending my time working on school?
Anyway, I hope you all are having a better week than I am, so far. I now have to do adult things like go to the grocery store, finish knitting a scarf and hat set, trim the roses, and then pick my partner up from work. Thankfully he is cool with me having his car.
Until Next Time!
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