Hitting a milestone

Today I got a notification that the woman we have matched with for the adoption hit 24 weeks.  It's a finish line of sorts, the baby at this stage can be born viable to life outside of the womb.  I posted on social media about it and several women I know commented about how exciting it was.  They shared their personal stories and I am so thankful for them.  I often forget that the way this will progress for us will be different than it is for a "normal" pregnancy.  24 weeks is an exciting milestone.  It is an exciting milestone.

24 weeks baby is the size of an ear of corn.  (image:babycenter)

What is our celebration point?  The signature from the judge that the baby is now in our care and has our last name.  Yeah, even the birth, while exciting, is not when we will celebrate fully.  I am happy that this baby has a damn good chance to survive outside of the womb, I will be even happier when we get a chance to hold him or her.  I will be even happier when we get a chance to love this child, and bring them home with us, and just become the family we have wanted to be for so long.

But I can't help but live in a little fear and a little detached from the whole thing.  We are excited, we are happy, we are also nervous that this will end like every other adoption attempt we have gone through.  I say we, but I think I am more nervous than my partner.  He wants to believe that this is our time, our turn, our good chance.  I want to believe that too, but I also wanted to believe that about our other two chances.  I am jaded.

We have had a couple "what happens next" conversations.  I think they drag us both down, but not having a plan is not a real option.  So we have a plan we hope we never have to use.  That plan consists of "Try again I guess".  What a plan!  But let's not think about that okay?  Instead, we should go back to talking about what's happening in reality, and our milestone we hit.

I looked up what 24 weeks means exactly in the baby development world and this is what I found, from babycenter.com.

Lungs: Your baby's lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory"tree" as well as cells that will produce surfactant, a substance that helps air sacs in the lungs inflate easily.

Skin: Your skin may be feeling a bit itchy and dry as it stretches. Keeping it well moisturized may help.

Taste buds: Your baby's taste buds are developing now.

Uterus: The top of your uterus is now an inch or so above your belly button, making it about the size of a soccer ball.

Taste buds at 24 weeks, that is pretty awesome!  She are also rounding the corner on the second trimester.  3 weeks left until we hit the magical 3rd trimester than all adoptive parents wait for.  For our specific adoption, this is the time when baby's mom can have her hearing in court to make sure she is able to give consent to the adoption.  This also is the time when the father can sign his paperwork to release this child for adoption.  We also have a contract update done at this time that will outline what future contact mom and dad would like baby.  I don't think our specific contract will change, as we are doing an open adoption and I'm not sure we could be any more open, but it's nice to know that this is the time she can make changes if she wants.

Overall a positive thing, hitting 24 weeks today.  16 weeks left on this crazy roller coaster.  How exciting, and terrifying, at the same time!

Until Next Time!

30, queer, in school

So I was asked to write an op ed piece for a queer journal at the school about being "30, in school, and queer".  Apparently that is a "challenging yet aspiring combination".

Uhm what?

I'm 30, not dead.  I'm in school to learn.  I'm queer because my partner is a hottie.

But I'm pretty sure that won't suffice for the 125-175 word article.

So here I sit, on the blog, trying to work out the words that will make an impact, yet not sound cliche and stupid.  Isn't that the fear of every writer?  To sound cliche and stupid is worse than death in some circles.

So I guess my thing is I am 30, but I am still going strong.  Yeah, it has taken me a bit to get my shit together so go to school.  Honestly, I wouldn't be here if it was for my partner telling me that it was time.  School has always been daunting for me.  Yeah, I'm smart, but that doesn't always translate into schooling well.  I'm also dyslexic and despise not understanding something.  Math has brought me to tears more times than I care to remember.  But I digress.  School is important.  So I came back.  Technically I started back in school when I was 27, but ended up taking a couple semesters off because of adoption situations that fell through.  So yeah, it's taken me three years to reach junior status, but I'm here.

As for being queer and back in school, it is what it is.  I have no real feelings that being queer has done anything for to me in regards to learning.  Yeah, some pathways are a bit more difficult because of shit that's happened in the past, but it hasn't stopped me.  It can't stop you.  Being queer doesn't mean you can't learn or are unemployable or anything like that.  Being queer is just one aspect of a complete person.... I am not a queer who happens to be a person, I am a person who happens to be a queer.  I'm not sure why being queer is part of this equation.

As for school.  Do what makes you happy.  Some people don't want to go to school, that's cool.  Some people want to go and that's cool too.  Whatever makes you happy is what you should be doing, nothing less.

So there you go.  I'm 30, queer, and in school and that's how I feel about it.  Now to polish that and submit it.

Until Next Time.

Not how my week was planned to go

I want a do over!  Spring break has sucked!  My car was totaled, we found one we really like but haven't been able to get back to get it yet.  My break has been dealing with this damn car and I'm over it!  I haven't been able to sleep in at all, which was high on my list.  Nor have I been able to go to lunch with a friend nor catch up on homework, which sadly was on my list.

I haven't been thrilled with the car totallying process, but my insurance has been amazing.  Within 24 hours of the accident, my insurance totaled the car and gave us a check.  That is pretty damn amazing, in my opinion.  The accident was not my fault, so I'm not under any liability.  Just waiting for the police report so I can get my deductible back.

Today we are going to the bank to get the final approval for the loan for the new car.  I have fallen in love with said car and can't wait to take it on the roadway as mine... if we get it.  We have looked at a ton of cars and I am just sad at how none will ever live up with my workhorse car.  But this one we are hoping to buy SHOULD last us through all 4 kids (that we want) and then some.  It's a newer car and has a ton of room!  That is exciting.

Also, on the random scale today, I really need to spend some time cleaning my house.  I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until I took a meditation moment to look around.  Ew.  I would be so embarrassed to have anyone drop by right now, and that's so unlike me.  I don't think it will happen this weekend, but soon I will be undertaking my house.  Spring fever has hit and I must clean, must must must!

My life is rather boring this week because it's been all about cars.  And getting caught up on The View.  Today The genie from Broadway's Aladdin is on there!  I am excited for James Monroe Iglehart's take on hot topics!!!

Until Next Time!

Spring break and car wrecks

So spring break is already two days in to a week that's flying by and I'm ready for it to slow down a bit, and be over at the same time!  I was hoping to spend a week relaxing at home, perhaps doing a little cleaning, but no stress.  Well that went out the window.

Car wrecks have ruined my week and it's pissed me off.  My poor car was hit yesterday.  I am fine, everyone I know is fine, but my car is not fine.  Pretty sure they will total it out, because honestly my car is nothing exciting nor worth much money in good condition.  I think the KBB on the car is $1,900 and everyone I've shown the pictures to have valued the damage at $2k or more. 

So today I've been shopping online for a new car!  Well, browsing, as I have no clue what I will qualify for nor how much we can really afford.  I am enjoying the looking though!  Who knew cars have so many bells and whistles now a days.  I just want something to play my CDs and that is safe for any children we may have some day.

On top of the car issues, my professors have all taken this week to send out a bazillion emails about homework that is due Sunday evening.  Who the hell schedules homework over spring break?  I mean, you want to get the most out of your students, but if the week is supposed to be without school, why am I spending my time working on school? 

Anyway, I hope you all are having a better week than I am, so far.  I now have to do adult things like go to the grocery store, finish knitting a scarf and hat set, trim the roses, and then pick my partner up from work.  Thankfully he is cool with me having his car. 

Until Next Time!

My favorite kind of morning

Today was my favorite kind of morning.  Let's face it, I am not a morning person, but sometimes you just have to get up before the sun.  Today is one of those days where I was up before the sun herself shook off the morning dew.  But I am glad I was.

When I left the house this morning, the fog was thick and the sky was dark.  I am not a big fan of dense fog, but the beauty that presents when the sun finally does make her appearance is stunning.  I wish I was in a position to take some pictures as the sun crested the sky, but I was sitting in class looking longingly out the window. 

As the sun first hit the dense fog, an explosion of reds and oranges swept across the sky.  It's when that happens that you know it's going to be good!  I watched out of the classroom window as slowly the fog began to burn away, leaving a beautiful sunrise in it's wake.  The orange palette that sat in the sky for my entire hour in class was such a treat for the eyes.  I also noticed I wasn't the only one staring out the window.

But this morning is one of my favorites for so many other reasons.  Not only did we get a spectacular sunrise, but the weather is cooperating perfectly.  Stepping outside after class was like stepping into a cool swimming pool.  The air was still thick with water from the fog and it was cool.  Not cold, mind you, but pleasantly jacket weather.  Stepping outside and taking in a deep breath calmed my soul.

The nice jacket weather prompted me to walk slightly slower than I normally would, and we all know I'm a slow walker.  I was tortoise crawling across the common area to my hide away to study.  Each step was synced with a deep breath, filling my lungs with wonder cool air.  I am sure the air quality is the same, but to me cool air always feels cleaner.  It felt like I was breathing for the first time in a long time.  Both metaphorically and literally.

As I crawled to my hide away, the sun finished it's morning stretch above the horizon, the last of the thick fog burned away, and suddenly it was like any other day.  But for those 15 or so minutes of standing outside, I feel so much better about life in general than I have in a long time.

Life has been rough lately.  Depression is running wild in my brain and I sometimes forget that there is something more beautiful just waiting for me.  Today was a gentle reminder from the universe that while it's okay to just be, sometimes being and waiting is worth it for what you want.  I was breathing today, and it's good to know that I will be breathing tomorrow.  Because with the promise of one day of beauty, there is bound to be another. 

Until Next Time.

Stop telling me what not to say!

Nothing raises my hackles more than someone telling me not to say something.  Especially when that thing I'm saying has nothing what so ever to do with them. 

"I could've rocked the spot
Instead of being just another faggot like I am
I played that shit straight"

~MSI Faggot

I call myself a faggot quite often.  I refer to myself and my partner as "two faggots playing house" on a regular basis.  I don't claim to be a saint.  I typically swear like a sailor and make no apologies.  I despise being told that a word is "naughty" and I shouldn't use it.  Of course, there are exceptions.  I won't say the N word, or call a person the R word.  I find those two words disgusting... but I wouldn't dream of telling a black person they can't use the N word, or telling someone with mental deficiencies that they cannot call themselves the R word.   And there is where the difference is between myself and people out there who want to police words. 

I am gay.  I make no apologies for this fact.  My whole life I listened to people call gay men faggots and sissies and all manners of names.  As a child I cowered to think someone would call me that when I grew up.  Then I realized that if I called myself a faggot, someone else calling me this hurt a hell of a lot less.  Sure, maybe not the best way to cope with such a thing, but fuck you, it's what worked.  Starting at about 13, I identified as a faggot and that word lost it's power.

As life moves on and people feel it's okay to say shit to people in public, I've learned other things I needed to own to remove it's power.  "Sissy" is one of those words.  I am not a sissy, but dammit I will call myself that to deal with certain things.  I hate spiders, totally have irrational fear.  So I am a spider sissy.  I own that.  Fudge packer is another one that surprisingly I despised and now own.  The "two faggots playing house" comes from an actual insult we received here, in our home town.  How's that for a fun and warm welcome?!  So now I own that phrase.  My partner and I are two faggots who play house.. we own a house, and hopefully soon we will have children and all that bullshit. 

So if you haven't caught on, I own these "insults" because it's empowering for me.  I own the words and fuck you for saying I shouldn't say that.  It really gets my goat when straight people tell me not to say that.  Puh-lease, YOU can't say that word, I can.  You can't call me a faggot and me not say something.  But I am allowed to call myself what I want.  I am a faggot and pretty damn proud of that!

So please stop telling me what I can and cannot say.  It makes you look like an idiot.  Stop telling me I cannot call myself such an "insult".  Just stop.  You worry about your word choices and stop attacking the people you are supposedly "allied" with.  Because when you start policing the words within the community, you are silencing my voice.  You are silencing the voices of faggots everywhere.  And that is not okay.  Take your straight privilege and shove it up your ass, because you are no longer welcomed in my community. 

Until Next Time.

And the snow goes on...

We got more snow!  Ugh and yay!  Talk about confusion of emotions.  I am both excited and annoyed as fuck about this.  I love snow, but there comes a point... and it's at the point.  It's march people!  enough snow!

 

This is my neighbor's magnolia tree.  I love this tree when it blooms and I take way too many pictures of it.  Thankfully I have an awesome neighbor on that side who just shakes her head and lets me do my thing!  I do like the way the snow looks on the tree as well. 

The railing of my deck.  Look at that mound.  Crazy heavy amount of snow!

And the woods behind my house.  So beautiful.  I love our woods and the fact that there will never be a house back there!  I think, though, that I am ready to take pretty leafy picture again! 

We ended up with 17 inches locally over two days and that is a lot lot lot of inches for our town.  It's just not something that happens often.  We broke quite a few records locally over it all and our weathermen were going crazy about it all.  Weather nerds... lol! 

With this much snow, however, comes the stir crazy of "Holy crap I can't go anywhere and I only have so much homework to complete!!!"  I am so stir crazy that I don't know what to do with myself.  I've caught up on almost all of my sleep, and I've cooked more than I have in a long time, but I'm ready to get out of this damn house!  Winter better be over.

How was your winter?  Snow? Ice? In between?

Until Next Time!

Shh it's a secret!

This weekend I passed a milestone.  I had a friend tell me a secret.  It was something she was adamant stay between us, and it will, but the reality is I was told a secret and trusted to keep it.  That, to me anyway, is a sign of friendship.  Like, you don't tell secrets to people you don't like or whatever.

Yes, I live a sad life that my weekend was made because someone considered me friend enough to share a secret. 

Now the kicker is, that secret was something that is known by a few people, I discovered... but it's still a cool thing to have happen! Anyway, we had a kick ass weekend hanging out with people this weekend.  We always say we want to be those people who visit people and have people visit us, but we rarely have a chance to make that work.  We now have friends to make that work with!  Exciting.

 Our life is a system of routine at this point.  We get up early, do a little yoga, get breakfast and head out the door.  I am gone most days till midafternoon.  Then it's home, homework, and supper, when my partner gets home from work.  After supper I get to actually spend a little time with my partner and that is a happy time.  Most days he goes to work out while I finish homework right before bed, but for a solid hour a day I get him all to myself.  It is nice to finally find a routine that works for us.  Yeah, I wish it was more, but right now in this moment in our lives, this is where it is.  We can all learn to live with that. 

Speaking of learning to live with things, my Partner may end going overseas for work soon.  And that makes me sad.  Right now he is slated to leave right as I start finals prep, so in a couple months.  I dread it, but at the same time, he loves going over seas so much that I can't even be mad.  I am secretly hoping he doesn't have to go, but shhhh that's a secret. 

Until Next Time.