Friday, November 6, 2015

Writing for children

I have a new endeavor!  Writing books for children.  All ages, but recently it's been kids under 5.  Why?  Because of I have noticed a lack of diversity.  And that has bothered me enough to want to do something.  So I am.

But writing children's books is extremely different from anything I have done.  And it's a little intimidating.  

Very intimidating.

But also very fun!  Currently I am working on dinosaur books and best buddy adventure books.  It has been so much fun.  It is also something I can do to leave to my kiddos. 

Other than a little writing, life has been moving forward.  Things are changing and it's terrifying, but life cannot stay stagnant.  Life has to move forward and it has to change and it will all be okay.  

Not much of an update, but baby decided now was the perfect time to wake up. 

What new adventures are you taking on?

Until Next Time!

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Sleep is a beautiful thing

Baby girl is making life interesting around here.  In the last few days she has slept maybe 30 minutes at a time and no more than 2 times in a row.  So sleep has been fleeting.  Sleep has been a highly sought after commodity.  So much so that I find myself actually taking napes when I can, and that is unlike me in ever way.  Naps give me headaches.  But not sleeping gives me a bigger headache.

The Pope visited America.  Did you hear about it?  The reality is I've heard nothing but it for the whole time he was here.  I just want to point out to everyone who keeps saying "he's better, he's better than the last guy"... no he's not.  He is still anti LGBT and anti choice.  He very much believes that idiots like Kim Davis are doing God's work.  He believes that the government should not have to do it's job if it goes against their personal beliefs.  And that annoys me so much that it will get it's own post.  Anyway, I am sick of hearing about the Pope.

Speaking of Kim Davis... she's an awful person who needs to do her job.  (There, I made the obligatory gay mention of her.)

Family life is moving along swimmingly.  We still get weird looks and lots of people asking insanely personal questions about the ethnicity of our girl, but it's just what happens here.  We get more dirty looks than not when people realize we are together with a kid, but at least they've stopped saying things.

Breakdown of fun things happening around here:


  • My partner has applied for a job he really wants, in another country, doing something he believes in.  I'm okay with that. 
  • I have come to love babywearing.  What a weird thing to say, but I own a couple carriers now and I love them and love putting her in them.  It's like an obsession now, to try everything.  
  • Our dogs are slowly coming to love baby girl.  They still aren't thrilled they aren't allowed to play with her, but unless she is crying they are cool being in the same room.  
  • Baby girl is 100% holding her head up.  She is behind her actual age, but rocking out her adjusted age, so we celebrating that victory.



Until Next Time!

Friday, September 18, 2015

Where do we go from here?

So I really wanted to keep this from being a parenting blog.  I started 4 or 5 different posts and then realized they were all about my kid, or raising my kid, or being gay while raising a kid... and I fought against those posts.  I deleted them and told myself I would come back when my mind was free and clear of having a child!  I would come back and write about anything other than being a parent.  I fought against making any posts about parenting, thus I didn't write any posts, for fear they would turn into parenting posts.

Then I realized this was crazy and I need to get over it.

I want to write.  I want to write this blog and be all over the spectrum of topics like I used to be.  I want to make sure I can continue writing about being gay and gay issues, but also my own writing and everything!  But I realized in all my deleting and rewriting and just not writing that I had changed.  Yes, I am still a writer.  Yes, I am still an out and proud gay man.  But I am also a parent.

And parenting, especially right now, is connected to everything I do.

So while this blog isn't a parenting blog, I am a parent who writes this blog and there will probably be some bleed in of my daily life with baby.  And that's okay.  It's my blog.

Anyway, I just wanted to put this out.  As to why I've not written in a while and really as a warning.  If parenting blogs or bloggers talking about their family/kids bothers you, perhaps it's time you move on.

Until Next Time.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Raising an activist kid

What do you aspire your child to be?  Us?  A happy, well adjusted person.  But while we are raising her, we have something to prove.  

We get a lot of shit about raising a child to be an activist.  Or raising a child without her mother and making her a guinea pig.  Everywhere we go, people want to know how we will raise her like  her mother would raise her.  How can we possibly be enough for her.  The poor darling.

Every day we have to fight to have people recognize that our child is being raised in a wonderful household.  No, she doesn't have a woman living in our house, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have a woman close by who can teach her the secret language of women everywhere.  The family is changing, and children are benefiting from it everywhere.

Along with raising a well adjusted little person, we also hope to raise an activist.  We are not as vocal about activism as we could be, but we hope to raise a child who stands up for what they believe in and fight for what they know to be right.  We are responsible for the future, and that future looks bright.  

So yes, we are raising an activist child.  We are raising our child to fight for what she believes in.  She may be a baby right now, but we are hopefully laying ground work for her future.  A bright and activist filled future.  

Someday when I have more than 5 seconds to type a post I will go into detail about how we are raising our babby.  Someday... 

Until Next Time

Thursday, July 23, 2015

When baby takes over

Holy fuck are we tired.  We are tired.  But not because she screams all night... but because she still has her day and nights mixed up.  So she wants to be awake all night and sleep all day. 

What that means is I have been too tired to really do anything but her care and keeping my house looking like a normal house.  I still need to dust and clean the bathroom, but that can wait until the weekend. 

I haven't been living in a complete box... Donald Trump is running for president!  LOL!  Thank you Republican gods, because that is hilarious.  He is the best thing that could have happened to the Democratic party.  But it's also insanely sad how well he is polling.  I can't help but think people are trolling the pollers, because every time he opens his mouth he spews hatred.  The man said a prisoner of war wasn't a war hero because he got caught.  I mean, seriously?  I hate war and even I am like "wait, what?" 

I hope you all are having a kick ass summer.  We are. 

Until Next Time!

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Perspective change

Having a baby changes your perspective.  Having a baby who spends the first two weeks of her life in the Neonatal intensive care unit changes everything about your perspective.  I'm sitting here typing this watching my daughter move around on the couch of the hotel room and I can't help but realize how fundamentally changed I am.

But at the same time, I'm the exact same person.  Isn't that an odd feeling?

I fully believe I have changed since she was born.  I no longer take shit from morons.  I speak my mind in ways I never would have before.  And I find myself fighting for things I never knew I cared that much about before.  Because of her. 

I also accept that while I love her and everything about her, she's not the only thing in my life.  Yes, I have taken longer to type this post than I have other posts... and it may be because she keeps looking at me with her "pick me up papa" eyes and I have no will power against those.  But I am still me. And I like that too. 

I am always find the two camps of parenthood "Nothing changes with a baby" or "everything changes with a baby, and so do you as a person" interesting.  Yes, having a baby is different, but that doesn't mean you as a person are suddenly changed and everything is different.  You can still be you in spite of having a kid.  And that is awesome. 

Life has changed.  There is a little person who deserves all your attention and love.  Life has changed, but I am still me and my partner is still him.  We just have a new compartment inside.  That compartment is called "baby girl" and it's being currently filled by the cutest kid ever.  Which is completely awesome. 

Until Next Time. 

Friday, July 3, 2015

Pride month wrap up

Woah what a Pride month that was!  It's now July and I just realized I didn't do a Pride month wrap up!  So let us begin!

This Pride month we got the biggest thing ever, the US Supreme court confirming our right to be married.  Confirming our right to be treated like every other citizen in the United States of America.  We won.  I am, personally, extremely excited by this bit of news.  Pride after the ruling was nice.

On a more person note, we have a Pride month baby now.  Our daughter is kicking ass and not caring what your name is after.  She's rocking out her NICU and getting ready to be discharged.  We are super excited, but are also having those moments of "Wait, they are just gonna hand her over?!  Are they crazy?!"

But we are as prepared as we can ever be.

And there you have it.. Pride month in a nutshell.


... and in all honesty there could have been a shit ton of other things happening this month, but in reality we've been sequestered in the NICU of a hospital.  World War III could have started and unless it negatively impacted the hospital, we would have never known.  There are no TVs here and we were just cleared to bring our laptops in the last few days.  Sick baby demands all the attention... and she gets it.


I hope you are having an excellent start to your summer and an excellent wrap up to Pride!

Until Next Time.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Love wins

I sit here and find myself amazed.  37 minutes ago, SCOTUS came down with the historic ruling that marriage is for all people.  Marriage is for everyone.  I can get married.

I can get married.

I can fucking get married.

My daughter will be protected under the marriage of her fathers. 

The marriage of her fathers.

Holy fucking shit.

I know this issue is one that is very divisive, but I don't care.  If you are standing on the wrong side of history, you are wrong.  You are so wrong that even the Supreme Court tells you you are wrong.  Please reflect on your wrongness and realize that you are standing for hatred.

But for now, for now we are celebrating for equality.  The march forward, the march towards equality, is one step closer now.  One step closer to being considered just a person, who happens to sleep with the same gender, but more just a person. 

I am a person who can now get married.

In all 50 states.

This is a good pride day.  This is a good pride day.

This is a good day.

This is good.

Until Next Time.

Monday, June 22, 2015

A whole new life

A few days ago our daughter was born.  We traveled hours upon hours and were here when she was born.  We have a pride baby!  How awesome!

There is nothing like seeing your baby right after birth.  To hear that first cry and realize  you had been holding your breath until that happened.  The moment you get the hospital bracelet wrapped around your wrist.  Nothing makes you smile like nurses who scold you for not having your camera ready fast enough and proceed to tell you they will give you tips to get the best pictures.  Nothing compared to that day, watching my daughter being taken care of.

With that also comes the insane amount of worry that comes from having a preemie.  Two steps forward, one step back is the rhythm of the whole unit.   She is doing great, but man are we worried overall.  Seeing her in an isolette is so horrible and makes us feel like we are helpless.  Watching her under the bili lights makes us realize we ARE helpless.  We hate that helpless feeling, but she is being taken care of by some of the best and her nurses have been nothing but amazing.  We are so thankful for their guidance and help throughout this that I'm not sure we'll ever be able to express how thankful we truly are. 

So yeah, right now our lives are attempting to figure out the NICU routine and trying to get our shit together and stop pinching ourselves that we have a baby.  Living out of a hotel room for an undetermined amount of time is hard, but we'll figure it out. 

Hopefully I get some posts written and set to post while we are getting used to baby girl, but if not, just know I've not gone away forever!  I am eagerly awaiting the Supreme Courts decision that should be coming down in the next week, and we are debating if we are going to swing out to the local Pride festival here. 

Life is moving forward insanely quickly, but right now we are the happiest father's that we know. 

Until Next Time.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Father's day

A year ago I wrote a post on father's day.  It is an open letter to all fathers.  I can't think of a better thing to do this father's day than to link to that post.  Go, read.

Dear Dad


Remember that no matter when your child comes out to you, they are still your child. 

Until Next Time.

Monday, June 15, 2015

WE GET IT, YOU'RE GAY.







I am in love with this video.  Take 7 minutes of your life and watch. 



Until Next Time.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

I live here

I live here.  I live in the gay community.  I live as part of the statistic of gay youth who were homeless.  I live as part of the gay youth who no longer have a family.  I live here.

I try not to live in the past, and I try really hard to give people the benefit of the doubt, but when a straight person tells me what I am or am not allowed to be upset about it really pisses me off.  I don't speak 100% for the gay community... we are all individuals who are just put together because of who we love, but as part of the gay community I am allowed to have feelings on things and I'll be damned if straight people are going to tell me it's okay. 

I live here.  I fucking live here day in and day out.  I am gay.  I cannot hide that I am gay.  I cannot pretend I am not gay.  I love a man with all that I am, no amount of pretending will change that.  I live this "gay lifestyle" every day of my life.  Please don't tell me what I'm allowed to be upset over. 

I cannot stand this idea that because gay marriage is "settled" (which it's really not) that suddenly there aren't any problems in the gay community, and we are totally accepted.  More than once I've had someone tell me "Well, you all can get married now.  I don't get why you still feel the need to act like you are a minority."  Excuse me? 

How many straight people are kicked off buses for kissing?  How many straight people are the target of crimes where they have homophobic phrases carved into their arm simply because they dare to be different?  How many children must die before we realize there is still a problem?  How many gay youth must attempt suicide before people realize there is a problem?  Gay youth are 4 times more likely to attempt suicide.  1/4 of all trans youth have stated they have attempted suicide in their lifetime.  I attempted suicide.  3 times in my life to be exact. When do people realize that LGBT people have a problem?

Newsflash:

THERE IS A PROBLEM

So when a heterosexual person tells me "Well, I think it's okay" I really want to respond "Well if YOU think it's okay, then it MUST be okay!"  but I don't.  My goal is not to alienate people or make enemies... but sometimes I really wonder what people have to be thinking when they open their mouth. 

::I truly love straight allies.  I think they are the best thing since sliced bread, so please don't think I want straight people to not be around or to never speak.  But sometimes it's not about the allies, it's about those of us who live LGBT lives day in and day out.  I live here, I know what is going on in a way you never will.::

I live here.  Please just listen to me sometimes.  I live here. 

Until Next Time.

The elusive gays, out in the wild

"Oh my god!  Look, their gay!" 

The shriek caught me off guard.  Mostly because I was surprised I could hear it.  See, my partner and I were at a ridiculously loud punk concert.  Because we were in the Big City we didn't shy away from acceptable public contact.  His arm around me, my body angled slightly into his arm.  We went to this concert as an early birthday present for him, so his level of comfort in public was all that mattered.

"I just love it when they are out in public!  Hell yeah!"

I just kinda sat there.  My partner, into the show, oblivious to the shrieking.  He can tune that kind of stuff out so easily.  I, however, cannot.

I really felt like turning around and making some snarky comment.  I wouldn't really do that, but sometimes it's fun to think of the response.

:: Tonight on the Discovery channel, elusive gay males.  Look at the natural way that one relaxes into arm of the other one.  Look at the closeness without saying anything.  Smell the gay in the air as they listen to the dulcet tones of a punk band.  A rare citing this is! ::

Thankfully the music picked up again and completed drowned out anyone else!  I'm still not sure I could hear someone talking to me unless they were right next to me.  Which is fine by me, more reason to be extra close to my partner tonight. 

It's so weird to be the object of someone who feels the need to tell me how awesome they find gay people.  "Oh, I just love gay men!  They are the best dressers" (They've never been in my closet... oops).  "The fact they are gay is such a turn on to me, I dunno why, it's so silly" (What?  That is a weird fetish).  "I want a gay best friend!  You all seem so fun!" (Thank you?  I'm not even sure how to deal with that one.)

I appreciate that people are accepting, please don't get me wrong.  I just find it weird to be pointed out like an animal in the zoo.  Just something to think about.

Until Next Time.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

A little song today.



Enjoy the music of Rufus today for a little Pride break.  Enjoy enjoy enjoy.

Until Next Time!

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Best laid plans

Best laid plans always fall apart.  Isn't that how it goes?

We received a call a few days ago saying baby is trying to make her appearance early.  Everything is going well, but it's boosting our need to get everything done sooner than we intended.  So time for sitting on the computer and writing my heart out for Pride month has taken a back seat to cooking freezer meals and cleaning her bedroom one last time and packing all the stuff we need for a longer than average stay in her home state.  Shit is getting real.

I do have a couple of posts planned that I have started writing and those will get published in the next couple of days.  Now that we have almost everything done I plan to start prioritizing the blog again.  I have so much to say regarding pride and how exciting this pride is turning out to be for us!  So please bear with me as I finally get things back in order! 

How is your Pride month going? 

Until Next Time!

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Caitlyn Jenner

I don't have much to day on this topic.  Caitlyn Jenner is living her truth and how awesome is that?  How amazing is it that we live in a day and age where a person can realize their truth and then take the steps needed to finally live that truth. 

Nothing celebrates Pride more than being allowed to live as you see fit, as long as you aren't hurting someone else. 

Celebrate Pride, celebrate living your truth. 

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Don't be a wall flower!

So in my quest to find pride topics people want, someone asked me how to not be a wall flower at pride.  I figured that's a good topic to start this whole pride thing off with!

When attending a pride festival, there is so much!  There are a lot of people, there are a lot of booths, so much going on!  I hate people, so I understand the want to just stay to yourself.  I understand not going up to every booth and talking to every person you see, but I really really suggest finding one or two booths and going for it!  Walk up and talk to one person, any person, at a booth.  They are there to interact with everyone, to talk to you about their booth.

Our pride here is a bit smaller than most cities.  We don't have a parade, but we have a ton of booths set up in the middle of town.  Because our pride is booths, you learn that you either have to go talk to people or you look like a gay strolling through town.  I constantly have to just tell myself that those people are there, they are supporter, they are friendlies.

I don't have a magic pill to make you suddenly okay with going out and talking to people, but I do have a suggestion.  Pick 2 booths to visit.  Just two.  Most city prides have an online presence that can let you know what booths will be around and roughly where they will be.  Take some time and do some planning.  I try to pick 2 booths at opposite ends of the pride area.  That is for two reasons.  1) I get to see all the booths there.  2) I get a break in between talking to people.

I get overwhelmed easily and I understand the want of just not.  I really encourage you to give this a try.  You might find yourself getting brave and jumping in to talk to other booths, or you may just be pleased with your two booths.  Either way, get out and enjoy pride for what it is, a celebration of community.

Until Next Time.

There has been a little snafu with the posts not posting for some reason.  Hopefully I fixed that and Pride posts will come out on time and in order... hopefully.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Why Pride?

"If you want to be treated like everyone else, why do you spend so much time pointing out how different you are?" 

I hate that question.  I don't celebrate pride to be "different", no more than someone celebrates Christmas or Eid to be different.  It's just part of who I am, it is a very important part of my selfness.  It's part of my history, of our history, of our struggles and our triumphs.  So yes, I celebrate pride with excitement and fondness.

And it's not about being different, it's about remembering history and celebrating what makes me, well, me.  I celebrate pride because it's a place where I know, no questions asked, I will be accepted.  I celebrate pride because I know every year, when I walk down to the festival there will be at least one person who realizes that life is okay right now because there are thousands of people just like me hanging out together.  I celebrate pride because I know that I will have a blast and meet new people who only accept instead of judge.  It's nice to be accepted, to be welcome, no questions asked. 

So why pride?  Because my whole life I have been rejected for who I am, nothing more.  At Pride, I am not rejected, I am embraced and celebrated.  So yes, June is all about Pride for me.  I attend festivals, I wish others "Happy Pride", I embrace who I am in ways I don't other times of the year. 

Pride is a celebration, and I'm gonna celebrate.

Until Next Time!

Friday, May 29, 2015

2nd Annual PRIDE month postalong

So for the second year in a row I plan to make June's posts all revolve around PRIDE month.  I am gay, no question about that, so Pride month is very important to me.  As a result, Pride is on my mind in June.  So things have been a little quiet around here as I prepare for June.

Do you have any suggestions for blog posts for June?  Just let me know!

Until Next Time!

Friday, May 22, 2015

Adulting

From lack of motivation to adulting and getting this shit done.  I am doing it.  I really have little choice, because it has to be done, but dammit I am doing it! 

We finally bought a new lawn mower.  Talk about a needed upgrade.  My partner has been out mowing the law for only 30 minutes and he already has the back completely finished!  That is an accomplishment of our new mower!  And it has a bag, so there isn't grass clipping everywhere.  And no, we don't throw out the clipping, we use them to fertilize under the trees to help stop soil erosion.  Needless to say, I am pretty sure he will be finished with the law much much quicker than his normal 2 or so hours.  Which means he may have the energy and time to weed wack!  That is always an exciting time around here.

I got out into the garden today and finally planted the petunias and tulip bulbs.  We have a front garden we have had to dig up multiple times because of an invasive grass species.  I think after almost 8 years we have it under control, so we are doing one more controlled plant of annuals.  If all goes well this year, I hope that the tulips will come back and then we will need some summer loving perennials to put in the garden.  I don't like planting every year.  I would much rather plan out my color palette and weed and mulch at the the start of the season and then let my garden work for me.  We have the other two gardens already set up this way, now with this last one hopefully I will be done except for pruning and weeding every year.  Oh that would be an accomplishment. 

This weekend we plan to spend our time early on finishing the yard and then from there we hope to grill out and just relax.  Nothing massive is pressing on our time, we might even go see a movie!  At the theatre!  I wish we had better live theatre here... but alas, we do not.  But at the movie house we go to they have good old fashioned cherry coke on tap... which means cherry coke and popcorn!  Not healthy, but delicious! 

What plans do you have this weekend?  Anything exciting?

Until Next Time!

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Lack of motivation

I have no motivation to do anything.  I don't know if I'm getting sick or if I'm just being lazy, but I really just want to sit here and do nothing. 

It is starting to affect me in ways I hadn't planned on.  I have an entire house to clean, a yard to landscape, and meals to prep before baby comes home.  But I think some of it is we've been here before, and I did all that, and we walked away empty handed.  I think maybe that is getting in my head and keeping me from doing things I need to.

And I really need it to go away.

It's times like these that I wonder if I'm not giving too much space in my head to things I cannot control. I cannot control our past, but I can control our future.  I need to keep that in mind.  Yes, this situation may fall through as well, but at least I will have a spotless house and meals for the next month.  That is a good thing, right?

I dunno, I don't know the answer.  I guess I just have to keep telling myself to get up and go and move and get shit done.  That is the best way to combat the lazies.  I also plan to sit down and do some writing this weekend (as it's the first weekend we have at home in a long time!) so hopefully that will help get some feelings out of the gate.  I also have my partner home for a long weekend.  Half day on Friday, off on Monday, he's going to be so spoiled! 

I hope you are having a better, more productive week and I am having!

Until Next Time!

Sunday, May 17, 2015

What weekend?

I am sure we are sitting on the tail end of another weekend, but I'm not sure where that weekend has gone.  Actually, I do.  This weekend went to being with kick ass people and hanging out with friends and doing normal people things.  That's where this weekend went.

And. It. Was. Awesome.

A friend of ours is moving away so this weekend was her surprise going away party.  So we packed up, drove 3 hours north, and drank ourselves silly as a way of saying bon voyage.  I am sad that she is moving away, but I know it's for greater and better things.

Because of that, our weekend flew by.  We find ourselves doing laundry late again and the grocery store was a haphazard, thrown together list.  Still worth it. 

So now another week starts.  With this week comes a promise of renewal of all the things we want to do, as well as some things we feel we have to do.  My partner has been having some stomach issues, so we are slowly working our way through cutting out known food groups that seem to be contributing.  The first is going to be dairy, so this week starts that.  I really hope this helps his stomach because it sucks to see the ones you love in pain.

This week is also the week I put together the largest packing list for bringing home babby that you've ever seen.  I like to think of it as a cross between first time parent and just a nervous packer in general.  We are still cautiously excited.  Around 9 weeks left.

Hopefully the time will slow down slightly.  We have nothing planned this weekend, so hopefully we will get a little time to ourselves.  If not, it's okay, we have living our lives and having a kickass time doing it!

Until Next Time.  

Friday, May 15, 2015

So much, yet nothing at all

So much has been going on that the spring/summer is flying by!  We are already half way through May and holy cow where did the time go? 

And yet, everything is going so fucking slowly.  We found out the expectant mom we have matched with is having a girl.  We are going to hopefully have a daughter.  With roughly 9 weeks left, it's taking so long already!  Haha!

I have been spending my time sewing little girl dresses and trying to figure out if I'm crafty enough to attempt pants.  I am also working on getting the nursery set back up.  The reality is we've been at this having a baby game for 5 years.  Five fucking years people.  So our nursery has been set up for 4.5 years and after each failed attempt to start a family it just gained another layer of dust.  So in an effort to stay positive and let myself be okay with either outcome of this roller coaster, I have been in the nursery cleaning it up.  It is coming together slowly but surely. 

Other than baby watch 2015, my partner and I have been staying busy by traveling everywhere and visiting friends and planning other trips.  We have been so busy moving around that my poor house looks like a bomb went off in it.  We haven't had time to sit down and clean anything.  Even today, I am taking 15 minutes to write up this blog post, but then it's off to the races again. 

With so much to do my writing has suffered.  I really want to have time to sit down at my computer and just put things together.  I have so many ideas and I really want to put pen to paper, but I just haven't made time.  Oh you read that right, not that I haven't had time, I just haven't made time.  I need to get back to writing being a priority.  I want to make sure I have the bare bones of several writing tasks for when baby comes home and I'm in the house while she sleeps.   That is on my main to do list. 

I hope you are having a busy and productive summer as well!

Until Next Time! 

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Are you gonna make your baby gay?

Once upon a time there was a soon to be dad waiting in line at a big box chain baby store to buy an item on sale with a coupon.  It was early, he chose early on purpose, to avoid the crowds. Apparently everyone else had the same idea as the store was packed.  As he was standing in line, a woman soon to be dad (STBD) worked with came up behind him.  As he knew her, they struck up a conversation.

Granted, STBD hadn't seen this woman in a couple of years but learned that she was having her second child in 2 years and she was super excited.  He was super excited for her!  As the line inched slowly forward, the conversation turned to his pending adoption and the excitement that maybe the third time would be the charm for him and his partner.

And then it happened.

The woman's face scrunched up slightly.  STBD realized that she may not have known he was gay... how, he wasn't sure, but their work place had been at a religious organization so it may just not have come up.  The woman inquired slightly as to "the Partner" in the sentence.  She recovered quickly from her minor face scrunching and congratulated STBD.  But the conversation quickly got awkward.

Then she nailed the coffin shut on the conversation.

"Are you going to make your baby gay?"  She was serious.  "I have read that gay parents are more likely to have gay kids."  It took everything in STBD's power to not react out of anger.

Do people seriously still think that you will turn out exact like your parents?  I mean, my parents are straight, I'm not.  My partner's parents are straight, he's not.  Why is this still a question?  The reality is my sexuality has nothing to do with my future children.  My sexuality is nothing to do with kids.  This idea that homosexuals are out to recruit children is so outdated that it's insulting at this point that people still follow that line of thinking.

 I am not having children to "make them gay".  I am not having children to recruit more into the ebil homosexual lifestyle.  I am having kids for the same reason everyone else has a child, because I want to have a family that includes children.  Pretty plain and simple.

Now, that said, my partner and I ARE gay.  And pretty damn proud of it.  So our "lifestyle" will not be hidden from our children.  We will be out and proud with our daughter (and future daughters or sons, whatever we may get) and she will know that her dads both love her.  She will attend pride parades with us, she will not be shied away from the fact that her dads are gay.  Chances are she will be exposed to more gay people than "normal", but simply because we find strength in numbers.

But no matter how many pride parades we take her too, or how many gay friends we have, we will have no influence on her sexuality.  You either are, or aren't.  No amount of parental influence or shunning has turned me straight and the same is true for our future children.  No amount of our influence will turn our, or your, children gay.


However, I don't think we'll be hanging out at new parent things any time soon.

Until Next Time.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

I survived

I survived finals, and I may get an A I didn't count on.  Woohoo!

Life is moving forward at a lightening pace.  It is amazing that so much time has flown by.  I feel like a week ago I started the semester and yesterday we matched... but in reality it was over 5 months ago that my semester started and 3 months ago that we matched.  Now I am done with the semester completely and in 10 weeks we will hopefully have a baby in our hands.  Crazy times!

Today we received ultrasound pictures of the child who will hopefully become our daughter.  She's a girl (at least chromosomally)!  We are cautiously excited about the whole process.  We have been fighting tooth and nail to get as much information as we can and seeing the pictures and the video is amazing.  We are trying to avoid getting too too happy about it (failed adoptions will do that to you), but secretly we are both pretty happy. 

With hearing that the baby is a girl, we have started slowly telling people.  It's not like we have a lot of people to tell in real life... but his family, a few friends.  I am dreading the influx of pink people will buy but I have yet to figured out a tactful way of saying "Please don't drown us in pink..."  As she ages, if she loves pink then she loves pink... but I really hate needlessly gendered products and pink washing (I equally despise blue washing for boys...).  Either way, I am excited to get clothes and stuffs together.

This is the first week I've had off and I am excited to get into the nursery this week.  It has been set up for 4.5 years, but I need to get in there and do a deep cleaning.  I am excited to get everything back in order and ready for a new baby.

A baby. 


Until Next Time.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Why are you so argumentative?

I feel like sometimes the simplest questions can create the need for complex answers.  I was asked just the other day why I was "so argumentative".  It took me a moment to figure out what the person doing the asking was talking about... and then it hit me.  They are talking about the fact that I don't agree with them and instead of letting it drop while they spout their beliefs, I questioned them.  Thus I'm argumentative.

I sit here now debating if I even want to try to explain this or just let it go.  I am not an argumentative person, I am merely trying to understand your beliefs.... and the only context I have to understand you is through my own experiences.  I cannot experience something that you have, but I can compare it to similar things I have experienced.  Of course you don't think they have anything to do with one another, but that is because your experiences are worse to you than mine are to you, but mine are worse to me than they are to you.  Make sense?

No of course not!  Because trying to understand life in the way you live it is complicated, complex.  Life is complicated and complex.  Understanding, trying to empathize with someone, is often done through the lens of your own experiences.  And that is okay.  When someone tries to compare your experiences to their own, they aren't necessarily trying to belittle your issues.  They are merely trying to find the best way to empathize, to show a sense of understanding and camaraderie to you and your experiences.

And that is exactly what I am trying to do when I "argue" with you.  I am trying to understand your beliefs as they compare to my own.  I am trying to understand your way of thinking within the only context I can.  I can't magically have your experiences or see life through your eyes.  I only have what I have and that is what I'm working with.  And just because I am asking questions and challenge what you say doesn't mean I don't agree with you.  I am still trying to understand it through my lens... and that has nothing to do with my agreement with you at all.

I hate being told I'm argumentative because I don't immediately come over to the other side or I ask questions.  Sometimes I'm just trying to understand... and you should too.

Until Next Time.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

The decision is in the courts hands

Today oral arguments for Same Sex Marriage are being heard by the Supreme Court.  and I'm nervous. 


I can't imagine the courts siding against marriage for all, but do you realize how much power is in the hands of a court that is not known for it's progressive rulings?  I am terrified that the courts will side conservatively, as they have been known to do, in order to say "well we weren't sure, and this will give us more time".  Or that they won't rule at all.

I think THIS article from USA Today breaks down a lot of the questions about what is happening today and what is being argued for.

NPR also offers a very thorough article here that has a lot of explanation.

Freedom to Marry has also started a far reaching twitter campaign.  #lovemustwin They also have an article up hitting closer to the emotional side of the marriage debate.  Found here

I am excited to see the courts take up the case, and I cannot wait until June when decisions come down.  My future is directly impacted by this ruling.  My future is directly impacted by a judge sitting in a robe making decisions.  My future is rather insecure right now and that is not a great feeling.

Until Next Time.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Finals

I feel like I don't have to explain much about my absence other than to say "finals".  Seriously, I have a week left of instruction and then finals.  I have been busting my ass to get everything I need to get done, done.  Which let me tell you, is too much. 

So that said, give me a bit longer and hopefully we'll get back to regularly scheduled posts about how boring I am. 

Until Next Time!

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Nothing exciting here

Man has life been ever boring lately.  Seriously, life is moving on day to day and I just can't muster the idea of writing how boring shit has been lately.

Wake up, shower, go to school, learn shit, come home, cook shit, go to bed. Rinse, repeat.  Every. Fucking. Day.

how boring is that? 

that's what I thought.  Pretty damn boring. 

Today I cleaned the kitchen.  Well, I cleaned some of the kitchen.  I put back together the pantry and finished cleaning the canning cabinet.  Last load of dishes is running and tomorrow I plan to give the whole bottom floor a good scrubbing.  Then I hope to start upstairs next weekend.  The highlight of my life right now is cleaning.  I'm so sorry.

Anyway, that's my boring life right now.  What's happening in your world?

Until Next Time!

Thursday, April 16, 2015

One year ago today

One year ago today I opened a blog.  How exciting!  Over the course of the year, I've written 123 posts (which is also pretty cool, BTW).  I've had an average of 15 visitors daily... not very many but that's exciting that there is at least one person who is reading regularly!

My most popular posts:

Father's day letter

Shhh it's a secret!

I don't have statistics on search words and such like that, not enough people find my blog on their own.  But occasionally someone will be directed here through google, which is fun!

This blog has also changed it's original focus.  I was going to make this a blog with my writing work, originally, but you know what my least read posts are?  My ones where I share my creative writing.  I still share it, occasionally, but it's no longer the focus of this whole crazy thing. 

Here's to another year.  This next one is looking to be even more exciting!

Until Next Time!

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Why does he have a better notebook than me?!

First, can I share a little linguistically/English awesomeness I learned recently from a friend?  When you use this punctuation, ?!, it is call an interrobang.  How cool is that?  It basically symbolizes a question asked excitedly.  And it's more than appropriate for the post title.

As a writer, I covet notebooks.  I have more than I probably should, but I really really like them.  I am an "old fashioned" writer.  Basically I write mostly by hand, then transfer it to the computer later.  I love sitting down with a good pen and a beautiful notebook and taking my time to craft beautiful words on paper.  There is just something magically about that. 

So when I noticed that my partner had a better, prettier notebook than I did, I was aghast!  How could he have a better, prettier notebook than me?! (<~~ See, proper use of an interrobang.)  When I asked him, he just shrugged.  He uses his notebook to just keep a few things about work written down.  He uses it sparingly and no more than a couple words a page.  And that just makes me sad.  His notebook is absolutely beautiful and it's used for one or two words a page. 

I have decided, and my Partner completely is behind me, that I am going to go buy some beautiful new notebooks for myself.  I need that beauty to be able to actually sit down and write.  I need to make sure I am surrounded by lovely things so I can write lovely.  Even my dystopian novels need to start by me being surrounded by good things.  I will send out pictures as soon as I find something that inspires me.

What is your writing inspiration?  Do you use a notebook or are you a computer all the way person?

Until Next Time!

Friday, April 10, 2015

blogging updates

So I'm fucking around with the blog today.  I will hopefully have a proper blog for you guys later, but right now I'm just changing colors and all that jazz.  Feel free to drop a comment if you see something you like, or don't like, I'd love to hear from you!

Until Next Time!

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

I don't want your pity...

I want to be treated like a human being.

So right now there is a blog post by some random Christian going around that has a graphic about how if you are FORCED to bake a gay person a cake, you should bake them two.  It's based on Matthew 5:41, which reads "And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain."  Which basically means if you are forced, not of your free will, to not only walk them one mile, walk them two.  Because you should embrace the trials you have forced upon you by those evil sinners and go above and beyond!

Are you fucking kidding me?!

This martyr complex some people have going for them right now is getting really old.  If you don't want to bake a cake for a gay wedding no one is forcing you.  Sure as hell aren't forcing you to bake two so you can be a saint amongst sinners.  You can decline service to anyone you want, but keep your God to yourself.  Merely say no and move on.  

Is it that difficult to just say no?  

I get so frustrated when people want to treat gays like second class citizens, but I get even more frustrated when people want to pretend to do good so their god will like them better and they can rub it in everyone's face.  Want to know what Jesus said about showing off how Christian you are?  

"And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward."  Matthew 6:5

So how about you stop trying to show off how awesome you are and just live your life.  Just think how awesome the world would be if everyone would just live their life and stop trying to police what two consenting adults choose to do in their bedroom.

So I don't want your pity, I just want to live my life with my partner, happily ever after.

Until Next Time.

Monday, April 6, 2015

invisible

Every so often I get a small glimpse of being invisible.  I see all my friends planning a get together, or everyone rallying behind someone who is doing something that I have been doing that no one seemed to care about, or someone starts encouraging someone in a way that I wish they would have encouraged me.  It's in those moments I realize I have achieved what I thought was my life long goal of having everyone forget about me.

And then I realize that now that I have achieved this invisibility, I'm not so sure I want it anymore.  Or maybe it's because I'm having an overly emotional week.  Or maybe that I have what I want it's time to find a new goal.  I don't know, but tonight I am feeling raw and fragile and completely alone.

I firmly  understand that some of these feeling are rooted in jealousy.  I am insanely jealous that I am not a forethought in any one's mind.  I am merely their after thought... "Oh, do you think we should invite Hawk?  I mean, we need another person to drive"... yeah that's who I am to most everyone I know.  A stable friend who "doesn't mind" not being invited or that friend who "understands" that the friends are excited for me, but they don't have time to really let me know... or any number of other things that basically come down to "well we know Hawk will still be there, it's cool if we completely ignore everything he does.  He won't mind".  And for the most part, I don't.  I honestly don't.  But on this week, at this moment, I am jealous.

But I am also paranoid.  When  you are ignored constantly you begin to wonder if these people are really your friends or if they are humoring you.  How is that for conflicting emotions... "I don't care, but maybe they don't really like me!"  Hah.  Welcome to my life.

I am having a rough week as we work through changes and prepare for a different kind of month.  Things will settle down and I'll go back to being okay knowing that other people are more than I will ever be, and that's okay.  I will go back to being okay with being invisible.  But tonight, I just had to get it out there... sometimes it sucks knowing you are looked over constantly. 

Yet what sucks more is knowing that I did this to myself. 

Until Next Time.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

First thunderstorm

So to keep up with my boring life, and by default my boring phobias, we are having our first thunderstorm of the season.  Words are being thrown around by our weathermen like "Squall line" and "nickel sized hail".  Weather alerts are also being tossed out by the NWS.  Not the best way to live on a Thursday.  I am terrified of Thunderstorms, always have been.  So today is not great.

It didn't start out great either, now that I think about it.  Math was fine this morning, and I had a small snack for breakfast after class.  Then it started raining and I went on and headed across campus to my second class and that is where the crap started.  It was thundering, of course, and some asshole ran through a puddle at 100 miles an hour, splashing all us students on the sidewalk.  I was drenched in mud and rain and cold and it was STILL raining and thundering.  Yeah, I skipping second class and came home.  I am not sitting in class covered in yuck.

Now I'm sitting in my living room, pantsless of course, waiting for my partner to get home.  Tonight we are going to get me a better rain jacket.  My poncho is nice and all, but it's ripped to hell and just not great.  Hopefully he'll treat me to a night out as well, but I'm not holding my breath.  We went out last night and it was a complete failure.  Awful food, not amazing service, so so pie... we need a redo!

That's all I got today.  Pantless, in a storm. 

Until Next Time!

Monday, March 30, 2015

Hitting a milestone

Today I got a notification that the woman we have matched with for the adoption hit 24 weeks.  It's a finish line of sorts, the baby at this stage can be born viable to life outside of the womb.  I posted on social media about it and several women I know commented about how exciting it was.  They shared their personal stories and I am so thankful for them.  I often forget that the way this will progress for us will be different than it is for a "normal" pregnancy.  24 weeks is an exciting milestone.  It is an exciting milestone.

24 weeks baby is the size of an ear of corn.  (image:babycenter)

What is our celebration point?  The signature from the judge that the baby is now in our care and has our last name.  Yeah, even the birth, while exciting, is not when we will celebrate fully.  I am happy that this baby has a damn good chance to survive outside of the womb, I will be even happier when we get a chance to hold him or her.  I will be even happier when we get a chance to love this child, and bring them home with us, and just become the family we have wanted to be for so long.

But I can't help but live in a little fear and a little detached from the whole thing.  We are excited, we are happy, we are also nervous that this will end like every other adoption attempt we have gone through.  I say we, but I think I am more nervous than my partner.  He wants to believe that this is our time, our turn, our good chance.  I want to believe that too, but I also wanted to believe that about our other two chances.  I am jaded.

We have had a couple "what happens next" conversations.  I think they drag us both down, but not having a plan is not a real option.  So we have a plan we hope we never have to use.  That plan consists of "Try again I guess".  What a plan!  But let's not think about that okay?  Instead, we should go back to talking about what's happening in reality, and our milestone we hit.

I looked up what 24 weeks means exactly in the baby development world and this is what I found, from babycenter.com.
Lungs: Your baby's lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory"tree" as well as cells that will produce surfactant, a substance that helps air sacs in the lungs inflate easily.
Skin: Your skin may be feeling a bit itchy and dry as it stretches. Keeping it well moisturized may help.
Taste buds: Your baby's taste buds are developing now.
Uterus: The top of your uterus is now an inch or so above your belly button, making it about the size of a soccer ball.

Taste buds at 24 weeks, that is pretty awesome!  She are also rounding the corner on the second trimester.  3 weeks left until we hit the magical 3rd trimester than all adoptive parents wait for.  For our specific adoption, this is the time when baby's mom can have her hearing in court to make sure she is able to give consent to the adoption.  This also is the time when the father can sign his paperwork to release this child for adoption.  We also have a contract update done at this time that will outline what future contact mom and dad would like baby.  I don't think our specific contract will change, as we are doing an open adoption and I'm not sure we could be any more open, but it's nice to know that this is the time she can make changes if she wants.

Overall a positive thing, hitting 24 weeks today.  16 weeks left on this crazy roller coaster.  How exciting, and terrifying, at the same time!

Until Next Time!

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

30, queer, in school

So I was asked to write an op ed piece for a queer journal at the school about being "30, in school, and queer".  Apparently that is a "challenging yet aspiring combination".

Uhm what?

I'm 30, not dead.  I'm in school to learn.  I'm queer because my partner is a hottie.

But I'm pretty sure that won't suffice for the 125-175 word article.

So here I sit, on the blog, trying to work out the words that will make an impact, yet not sound cliche and stupid.  Isn't that the fear of every writer?  To sound cliche and stupid is worse than death in some circles.

So I guess my thing is I am 30, but I am still going strong.  Yeah, it has taken me a bit to get my shit together so go to school.  Honestly, I wouldn't be here if it was for my partner telling me that it was time.  School has always been daunting for me.  Yeah, I'm smart, but that doesn't always translate into schooling well.  I'm also dyslexic and despise not understanding something.  Math has brought me to tears more times than I care to remember.  But I digress.  School is important.  So I came back.  Technically I started back in school when I was 27, but ended up taking a couple semesters off because of adoption situations that fell through.  So yeah, it's taken me three years to reach junior status, but I'm here.

As for being queer and back in school, it is what it is.  I have no real feelings that being queer has done anything for to me in regards to learning.  Yeah, some pathways are a bit more difficult because of shit that's happened in the past, but it hasn't stopped me.  It can't stop you.  Being queer doesn't mean you can't learn or are unemployable or anything like that.  Being queer is just one aspect of a complete person.... I am not a queer who happens to be a person, I am a person who happens to be a queer.  I'm not sure why being queer is part of this equation.

As for school.  Do what makes you happy.  Some people don't want to go to school, that's cool.  Some people want to go and that's cool too.  Whatever makes you happy is what you should be doing, nothing less.

So there you go.  I'm 30, queer, and in school and that's how I feel about it.  Now to polish that and submit it.

Until Next Time.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Not how my week was planned to go

I want a do over!  Spring break has sucked!  My car was totaled, we found one we really like but haven't been able to get back to get it yet.  My break has been dealing with this damn car and I'm over it!  I haven't been able to sleep in at all, which was high on my list.  Nor have I been able to go to lunch with a friend nor catch up on homework, which sadly was on my list.

I haven't been thrilled with the car totallying process, but my insurance has been amazing.  Within 24 hours of the accident, my insurance totaled the car and gave us a check.  That is pretty damn amazing, in my opinion.  The accident was not my fault, so I'm not under any liability.  Just waiting for the police report so I can get my deductible back.

Today we are going to the bank to get the final approval for the loan for the new car.  I have fallen in love with said car and can't wait to take it on the roadway as mine... if we get it.  We have looked at a ton of cars and I am just sad at how none will ever live up with my workhorse car.  But this one we are hoping to buy SHOULD last us through all 4 kids (that we want) and then some.  It's a newer car and has a ton of room!  That is exciting.

Also, on the random scale today, I really need to spend some time cleaning my house.  I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until I took a meditation moment to look around.  Ew.  I would be so embarrassed to have anyone drop by right now, and that's so unlike me.  I don't think it will happen this weekend, but soon I will be undertaking my house.  Spring fever has hit and I must clean, must must must!

My life is rather boring this week because it's been all about cars.  And getting caught up on The View.  Today The genie from Broadway's Aladdin is on there!  I am excited for James Monroe Iglehart's take on hot topics!!!

Until Next Time!

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Spring break and car wrecks

So spring break is already two days in to a week that's flying by and I'm ready for it to slow down a bit, and be over at the same time!  I was hoping to spend a week relaxing at home, perhaps doing a little cleaning, but no stress.  Well that went out the window.

Car wrecks have ruined my week and it's pissed me off.  My poor car was hit yesterday.  I am fine, everyone I know is fine, but my car is not fine.  Pretty sure they will total it out, because honestly my car is nothing exciting nor worth much money in good condition.  I think the KBB on the car is $1,900 and everyone I've shown the pictures to have valued the damage at $2k or more. 

So today I've been shopping online for a new car!  Well, browsing, as I have no clue what I will qualify for nor how much we can really afford.  I am enjoying the looking though!  Who knew cars have so many bells and whistles now a days.  I just want something to play my CDs and that is safe for any children we may have some day.

On top of the car issues, my professors have all taken this week to send out a bazillion emails about homework that is due Sunday evening.  Who the hell schedules homework over spring break?  I mean, you want to get the most out of your students, but if the week is supposed to be without school, why am I spending my time working on school? 

Anyway, I hope you all are having a better week than I am, so far.  I now have to do adult things like go to the grocery store, finish knitting a scarf and hat set, trim the roses, and then pick my partner up from work.  Thankfully he is cool with me having his car. 

Until Next Time!

Thursday, March 12, 2015

My favorite kind of morning

Today was my favorite kind of morning.  Let's face it, I am not a morning person, but sometimes you just have to get up before the sun.  Today is one of those days where I was up before the sun herself shook off the morning dew.  But I am glad I was.

When I left the house this morning, the fog was thick and the sky was dark.  I am not a big fan of dense fog, but the beauty that presents when the sun finally does make her appearance is stunning.  I wish I was in a position to take some pictures as the sun crested the sky, but I was sitting in class looking longingly out the window. 

As the sun first hit the dense fog, an explosion of reds and oranges swept across the sky.  It's when that happens that you know it's going to be good!  I watched out of the classroom window as slowly the fog began to burn away, leaving a beautiful sunrise in it's wake.  The orange palette that sat in the sky for my entire hour in class was such a treat for the eyes.  I also noticed I wasn't the only one staring out the window.

But this morning is one of my favorites for so many other reasons.  Not only did we get a spectacular sunrise, but the weather is cooperating perfectly.  Stepping outside after class was like stepping into a cool swimming pool.  The air was still thick with water from the fog and it was cool.  Not cold, mind you, but pleasantly jacket weather.  Stepping outside and taking in a deep breath calmed my soul.

The nice jacket weather prompted me to walk slightly slower than I normally would, and we all know I'm a slow walker.  I was tortoise crawling across the common area to my hide away to study.  Each step was synced with a deep breath, filling my lungs with wonder cool air.  I am sure the air quality is the same, but to me cool air always feels cleaner.  It felt like I was breathing for the first time in a long time.  Both metaphorically and literally.

As I crawled to my hide away, the sun finished it's morning stretch above the horizon, the last of the thick fog burned away, and suddenly it was like any other day.  But for those 15 or so minutes of standing outside, I feel so much better about life in general than I have in a long time.

Life has been rough lately.  Depression is running wild in my brain and I sometimes forget that there is something more beautiful just waiting for me.  Today was a gentle reminder from the universe that while it's okay to just be, sometimes being and waiting is worth it for what you want.  I was breathing today, and it's good to know that I will be breathing tomorrow.  Because with the promise of one day of beauty, there is bound to be another. 

Until Next Time.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Stop telling me what not to say!

Nothing raises my hackles more than someone telling me not to say something.  Especially when that thing I'm saying has nothing what so ever to do with them. 

"I could've rocked the spot
Instead of being just another faggot like I am
I played that shit straight"
~MSI Faggot

I call myself a faggot quite often.  I refer to myself and my partner as "two faggots playing house" on a regular basis.  I don't claim to be a saint.  I typically swear like a sailor and make no apologies.  I despise being told that a word is "naughty" and I shouldn't use it.  Of course, there are exceptions.  I won't say the N word, or call a person the R word.  I find those two words disgusting... but I wouldn't dream of telling a black person they can't use the N word, or telling someone with mental deficiencies that they cannot call themselves the R word.   And there is where the difference is between myself and people out there who want to police words. 

I am gay.  I make no apologies for this fact.  My whole life I listened to people call gay men faggots and sissies and all manners of names.  As a child I cowered to think someone would call me that when I grew up.  Then I realized that if I called myself a faggot, someone else calling me this hurt a hell of a lot less.  Sure, maybe not the best way to cope with such a thing, but fuck you, it's what worked.  Starting at about 13, I identified as a faggot and that word lost it's power.

As life moves on and people feel it's okay to say shit to people in public, I've learned other things I needed to own to remove it's power.  "Sissy" is one of those words.  I am not a sissy, but dammit I will call myself that to deal with certain things.  I hate spiders, totally have irrational fear.  So I am a spider sissy.  I own that.  Fudge packer is another one that surprisingly I despised and now own.  The "two faggots playing house" comes from an actual insult we received here, in our home town.  How's that for a fun and warm welcome?!  So now I own that phrase.  My partner and I are two faggots who play house.. we own a house, and hopefully soon we will have children and all that bullshit. 

So if you haven't caught on, I own these "insults" because it's empowering for me.  I own the words and fuck you for saying I shouldn't say that.  It really gets my goat when straight people tell me not to say that.  Puh-lease, YOU can't say that word, I can.  You can't call me a faggot and me not say something.  But I am allowed to call myself what I want.  I am a faggot and pretty damn proud of that!

So please stop telling me what I can and cannot say.  It makes you look like an idiot.  Stop telling me I cannot call myself such an "insult".  Just stop.  You worry about your word choices and stop attacking the people you are supposedly "allied" with.  Because when you start policing the words within the community, you are silencing my voice.  You are silencing the voices of faggots everywhere.  And that is not okay.  Take your straight privilege and shove it up your ass, because you are no longer welcomed in my community. 

Until Next Time.

Friday, March 6, 2015

And the snow goes on...

We got more snow!  Ugh and yay!  Talk about confusion of emotions.  I am both excited and annoyed as fuck about this.  I love snow, but there comes a point... and it's at the point.  It's march people!  enough snow!

 

This is my neighbor's magnolia tree.  I love this tree when it blooms and I take way too many pictures of it.  Thankfully I have an awesome neighbor on that side who just shakes her head and lets me do my thing!  I do like the way the snow looks on the tree as well. 

The railing of my deck.  Look at that mound.  Crazy heavy amount of snow!

And the woods behind my house.  So beautiful.  I love our woods and the fact that there will never be a house back there!  I think, though, that I am ready to take pretty leafy picture again! 

We ended up with 17 inches locally over two days and that is a lot lot lot of inches for our town.  It's just not something that happens often.  We broke quite a few records locally over it all and our weathermen were going crazy about it all.  Weather nerds... lol! 

With this much snow, however, comes the stir crazy of "Holy crap I can't go anywhere and I only have so much homework to complete!!!"  I am so stir crazy that I don't know what to do with myself.  I've caught up on almost all of my sleep, and I've cooked more than I have in a long time, but I'm ready to get out of this damn house!  Winter better be over.

How was your winter?  Snow? Ice? In between?

Until Next Time!

Monday, March 2, 2015

Shh it's a secret!

This weekend I passed a milestone.  I had a friend tell me a secret.  It was something she was adamant stay between us, and it will, but the reality is I was told a secret and trusted to keep it.  That, to me anyway, is a sign of friendship.  Like, you don't tell secrets to people you don't like or whatever.

Yes, I live a sad life that my weekend was made because someone considered me friend enough to share a secret. 

Now the kicker is, that secret was something that is known by a few people, I discovered... but it's still a cool thing to have happen! Anyway, we had a kick ass weekend hanging out with people this weekend.  We always say we want to be those people who visit people and have people visit us, but we rarely have a chance to make that work.  We now have friends to make that work with!  Exciting.

 Our life is a system of routine at this point.  We get up early, do a little yoga, get breakfast and head out the door.  I am gone most days till midafternoon.  Then it's home, homework, and supper, when my partner gets home from work.  After supper I get to actually spend a little time with my partner and that is a happy time.  Most days he goes to work out while I finish homework right before bed, but for a solid hour a day I get him all to myself.  It is nice to finally find a routine that works for us.  Yeah, I wish it was more, but right now in this moment in our lives, this is where it is.  We can all learn to live with that. 

Speaking of learning to live with things, my Partner may end going overseas for work soon.  And that makes me sad.  Right now he is slated to leave right as I start finals prep, so in a couple months.  I dread it, but at the same time, he loves going over seas so much that I can't even be mad.  I am secretly hoping he doesn't have to go, but shhhh that's a secret. 

Until Next Time.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Upcoming changes and stuff

So first things first, I am going to be changing the template of the blog.  I plan to add adsense as a way to make a few pennies during the month, as I have 9 whole readers on average.  I don't expect to make money, I just want that option.  The problem is I have no clue how to add an adsense add to this template... I don't really know how to do it with the blogger templates either, but I think it will be easier because that's how things always work.  So expect a few aesthetic changes in the future.


Second, my birthday is this week!  I am excited.  The big 3-0.  Okay, maybe it's only big for me, but 30 is another decade older.  I have been alive for 3 decades.  That just sounds old!  I have really wrestled with the idea of being 30... thirty years old!  I don't know why, perhaps because when  you are 15  the oldest you can think of is 30.  Who knows.  But it's been hard to wrap my brain around!

On top of that I am also struggling with how little I have accomplished in 30 years.  I think that one is taking more of a toll on me than anything.  In 30 years, I have accomplished nothing I wanted to do in life.  I am still in school, trying to get a bachelors for fuck's sakes.  I do not have children.  I am ringed with someone (which I never thought I would do).  I have not traveled outside of the US..... I mean, the big things I have just not done.  Not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't.  It's hard to realize that you won't achieve your "before 30" list.

Either way, I've been struggling with that and school this week, which means I've not had time to do much of anything else.  But now I can focus on the good a bit.

The good you say?

Well, I am working my ass off this week in order to go out this weekend.  Hell yes, I am going out all weekend.  Friday my partner is taking me somewhere for a quiet dinner.  We typically do the melting pot, but that will be saved for another weekend this year.  I haven't decided where we will go, but honestly I'd be happy with Chipotle or somewhere low key like that!  Then the real fun starts!

Saturday we are heading up to visit friends in another city.  Not just a few friends, but there are going to be around 20 of us (including spouses) all hanging out, enjoying a meal, drinking, and just being goofy people like we are.  Why?  Well, why not?  I mean, yeah, this really isn't happening because it's my bday, but I can always pretend.  :-p

So this week is full of school so this weekend can be full of fun!  Seems like a fair trade off.

Until Next Time!

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Children, daycare, ugh

Today I spent my day working worrying about the expectant mom we have matched with and looking up daycares.  Sounds fun, yeah?

No.

My partner and I had this conversation and decided it was best if I finished my schooling while the baby is young.  Which means that for the next 2 years the baby will have to be in daycare.  And have you ever tried to get your kid into daycare?  Yeahhh... insane!  The baby isn't due until July of this year, and one center actually told me it would be almost a year before they could even tell me if they had an opening!  We aren't even hoping for a spot until Jan of 2016 but yeah, apparently I'm late in looking.

So today was spent trying to find a center that I would be comfortable with.  Isn't that such a first world problem?  I mean, you really only think about these things when you have nothing else to worry about in life.  And while we do have a few other things, this is what has taken over my mind.  That and the fact that there is no Montessori infant schools in my area.  Grr.

I should also mention I used to work at day care centers, so I'm pretty insanely picky but pretty lax at the same time.  I understand how shit works, but I also know exactly what I want.  Weird.

I also spent my day trying not to be paranoid about the utter lack of communication we have had with our attorney and the expecting mom.  I like communication.  I like when people call me or text me and tell me updates.  Let me know how things are going.  Right now I text and get no response, or a one word response, and it makes me horribly paranoid about life.  Our last adoption failed and we learned that right after communication stopped.  Communication is an adoption lifeline. 

Today has been enlightening and paranoid inducing.  Fun times yeah?!

Until Next Time. 

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Look up

Look up young child, the world will improve.  
Things will ease, your life won't always be hard.
Look up child, you will soon find your groove.
Things will change for you, because you matter.


Sometimes it seems like the snow is always falling.  Yes, some people love snow, but sometimes the snow is so much more.

It seems like no matter what, life is always going to be hard.  Two steps forward, one step backwards.  It seems like life as we know it is being thwarted at every turn.  And that makes it hard to keep our heads up.  Makes it hard to keep getting up every morning. 

As the sun raises on another snowy day, I can't help but drawing comparisons to how life feels right now.  I currently live in a state that doesn't allow marriage for me.  It doesn't allow marriage because some people find what I do in the bedroom "icky".  Or that it some how invalidates their love.  How can love downgrade love?  That is something I can't understand.

I don't know the point of this other than to say that it does get better.  At the end of the every snow storm is the sun.  No, snow doesn't get rainbows typically, but that doesn't make them any less beautiful.  Today I choose to look for the sun at the end of the storm. 



Until Next Time.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Twitter, blogging, school and other assorted things

First, I have officially joined Twitter.  @Parading_Hawks.  Feel free to follow me.  I am very new to this, so I have no clue what is happening quite yet.  But I was able to follow Neil Patrick Harris, so I'm pretty happy.

Blogging was off the table last week.  It was test week at school, the first bit test of my education, lol.  I got a B in Biology and I'm still waiting for my grade in Math.... not too shabby.  My Spanish test will be this week at some point, which is going to be interesting.  Needless to say, last week was a tough week for me to have any time to do anything but study for tests. 

Since school was the theme of last week, that is all that is in my mind right now.  School was called off today because of the snowpocalypse that we were expecting.  We are probably 6 inches in so far (maybe more, I haven't taken a ruler out there) and I'm happy.  So very happy.  I am hoping to maybe get one more snow day, but that is mostly because I do not want to have to traipse through a foot of snow after lab tomorrow evening. 

Though, this brings me to my next point, I got a new pair of gloves and a scarf.  Whoop whoop.  This is mostly so when I have to traipse through a foot of snow after lab class tomorrow I will have something to cover my hands and my face. My new gloves also have the special something or another that allows me to still be able to use my smart phone touch screen, which is an added bonus. 

We spent our snow day doing nothing of much for nothing.  We are currently finishing up Rosewater, which is a good movie.  The story is powerful and thought provoking.  The book is also awesome, and the movie very much plays out just like the book.  It stays very true and I feel John Stewart did an amazing job putting this movie together.  We absolutely give it glowing reviews.  And wish we knew what more we could do.  

Really that is all I have to say for now.  I really need to go write a lab report for biology.

Until Next Time!

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Take time to smell the roses


Ever since I could remember, I have been a slow walker.  I used to frustrate the crap out of people I would go walking with (and I probably still do!).  I have never been one to rush around, walk as fast as I could, or anything like that.  I enjoy walking slowly because it gives me an appreciate for the world around me, something you don't get when you speed through life.


This type of walking has always served me well.  I don't get there quickly, but I adjust for that time wise.  Yes, I usually arrive places really early, but who the hell complains because you have time to look around before your appointment?  I make sure to arrive plenty early places so I can walk around, enjoy my sight seeing and just generally enjoy life.

Waling slowly gives me a chance to really embrace the philosophy of "stop and smell the roses".  It's amazing how many small things you notice when you aren't rushing around.  I highly recommend it to everyone.  Taking that extra moment gives you that many more chances to really appreciate how beautiful everything truly is in this world. 

I challenge you all to take a moment and walk a little slower.  See what you can see.

Until Next Time.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

A frustrating day

I am so frustrated right now and it is all because of bullshit.  Basically, I am just having a frustrating day.  And it's really frustrating.  Did I mention it was frustrating?

Because I'm frustrated.

On a different note, school is going well.  I had to drop chemistry, it just wasn't worth it.  From there the 4 classes I have left are awesome.  I am learning some and generally enjoying my time at school.  I won't say I'm making friends... I'm not sure I know how to make friends in the classic sense.  But, but I did sit on the bus and talk for a bit with a guy in my class.  I learned about his past, what brought him to my quaint city, what his plans are for the future.  I don't know that we are friends, but we are friendly.  He is also typically my partner in class for partner assignments.  So there is that.

Life at home is moving slowly but surely.  Our goal this weekend is the dig out a little in the nursery and to get our bedroom and bathroom cleaned.  One down side of me being back in school is the house doesn't look as pretty as it used to, but I think we are both okay with that.  It just requires us to both work on the weekends to make the house presentable to outsiders, lol.

I guess that is all the update I have right now.  Life is trucking forward and shit moves on.  Hopefully tomorrow I will be less frustrated.

Until Next Time!

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

100 posts

I feel like I should post something exciting!  It's my 100th post and here it is.  A big ball of nothing. 

School has slowed down mostly because I dropped a class.  But tonight is the first night in several weeks that I haven't been swamped with homework.  It sucks I had to drop a class, but it is really for the best.  I am still a full time student, but now without the overwhelming anxiety that came with that one extra class.  It is amazing how calm I truly feel. 

So here is my 100th post, a post to deal with the lack of anxiety I feel over school now that I am one class less than I was 3 days ago.  My dogs and I are now going to go upstairs and debate if 8:40pm is too early for bed.  I'm leaning towards no, since they are both already snoring.

Until Next Time.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Sunday night..

.. and I'm tired. 

Okay, okay, "Feeling right" would rhyme, but I'm just too tired.

School is eating me alive.  I need to find my rhythm, my balance.  I need to get in the swing of things.  But right now I am finding myself pulling my hair out trying to make it all work.  Trying to remember deadlines and what happens when, and who goes where.  It is making me a little anxious.  I am going to try to get a post up detailing how I outline my week and do my work, but I am still trying to find that sweet spot. 

School - life balance is also non existent at the moment.  I find myself doing school, then working on the child advocacy program I volunteer for, and then whatever time I don't have left over is offered to my partner.  And that is unfair to him.  We laid in bed an extra 10 or so minutes this morning before I realized that no, we really needed to get up go about the day.  It was just depressing to me that those 10 minutes were the best I could offer him today.  Today we had to get groceries, we had to do laundry (which was a comical sort this morning when we forgot to load the washer before running it... ), I had to meet with my kiddos I advocate for, I had homework to get done, and eventually we have eat.  All this had to happen in a 15 or so hour day.  And it's taking its toll on me.

All that said, right now in our life is the perfect time for me to go back to school, and we both know this.  It is perfect timing for me to get a degree that in the future will actually help our family.  It's perfect for me to be away from the house and relationship quite a bit right now, because in 2 years this will be all worth it.  In two years this will be a distant memory as we are finally making enough to support the size of family we both want.  In two years this will all be worth it when I have a flexible job doing something I love.

But right now, in the here and now, life is rough.

And sadly this is all the blogging time I have for today.  For now I have to go help figure out what is for supper, register for a couple of my labs that start this week, complete Spanish homework I haven't done yet, and help with folding and moving over laundry. 

Until Next Time.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Oh what a week!

Hi.

So this week has flown by!  I didn't realize it was Friday until half way through the day.  Insane, I tell you, insane.  This week has been both frustrating and exciting. 

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were merely days.  They were exciting but just filled with school.  This was the first full week of school and it was filled.  I haven't been this tired in a long long time.  I worked hard on Thursday to not fall asleep in class, and that is unusual for me.  Especially considering the class I struggled the most in was Biology.  But I survived and made it through my first full week of school.  Next week we add Lab classes into the mix.

But this week also gave us an adoption situation we are actively pursuing.  We have officially matched with an expectant mother.  I am nervous to post this, but that is because we have a long, sordid history with adoption that has ended with us having two failed adoptions.  It makes me sad to even think about, let alone think that this adoption could end in the same way.  The differences are many, including a lack of taboo on the idea of adoption within the community of the expectant mother and the fact that this is not her first adoption. 

But it is also our only chance for quite some time.  This is a private adoption and it will take pretty much all of our saved money.  That means it doesn't matter if this one fails, we get very little money back and that is it.  And we are nervous.  However, we are also very optimistic and hopeful.  We can't help but be hopeful. 

With the adoption on the horizon, we also have the task of learning as much as we can about the culture of the expectant mother.  Learning the customs as best as we can, learning at least a little of the language, learning major holidays... those are all so important in raising a child cross culturally.  I find being connected to my culture has been so important in forming my own identity and I want that for any and all our future children.  

Anyway, we have had an exciting and long week.  Hopefully you have had a great week too!

Until Next Time!

Monday, January 19, 2015

Martin Luther King Jr.

His words speak for themselves.  Read themSource of this text

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.
Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.
But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we've come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.
In a sense we've come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the "unalienable Rights" of "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds."
But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so, we've come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice.
We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.
It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. And those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. And there will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.
But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.
The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.
We cannot walk alone.
And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.
We cannot turn back.
There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their self-hood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating: "For Whites Only." We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until "justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream."
I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. And some of you have come from areas where your quest -- quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive. Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.
Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.
And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."
I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.
I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
I have a dream today!
I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.
I have a dream today!
I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together."
This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to the South with.
With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.
And this will be the day -- this will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning:
My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.
Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim's pride,
From every mountainside, let freedom ring!
And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.
And so let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire.
Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York.
Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania.
Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado.
Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California.
But not only that:
Let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia.
Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee.
Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi.
From every mountainside, let freedom ring.
And when this happens, and when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:
                Free at last! Free at last!
                Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!