invisible

Every so often I get a small glimpse of being invisible.  I see all my friends planning a get together, or everyone rallying behind someone who is doing something that I have been doing that no one seemed to care about, or someone starts encouraging someone in a way that I wish they would have encouraged me.  It's in those moments I realize I have achieved what I thought was my life long goal of having everyone forget about me.

And then I realize that now that I have achieved this invisibility, I'm not so sure I want it anymore.  Or maybe it's because I'm having an overly emotional week.  Or maybe that I have what I want it's time to find a new goal.  I don't know, but tonight I am feeling raw and fragile and completely alone.

I firmly  understand that some of these feeling are rooted in jealousy.  I am insanely jealous that I am not a forethought in any one's mind.  I am merely their after thought... "Oh, do you think we should invite Hawk?  I mean, we need another person to drive"... yeah that's who I am to most everyone I know.  A stable friend who "doesn't mind" not being invited or that friend who "understands" that the friends are excited for me, but they don't have time to really let me know... or any number of other things that basically come down to "well we know Hawk will still be there, it's cool if we completely ignore everything he does.  He won't mind".  And for the most part, I don't.  I honestly don't.  But on this week, at this moment, I am jealous.

But I am also paranoid.  When  you are ignored constantly you begin to wonder if these people are really your friends or if they are humoring you.  How is that for conflicting emotions... "I don't care, but maybe they don't really like me!"  Hah.  Welcome to my life.

I am having a rough week as we work through changes and prepare for a different kind of month.  Things will settle down and I'll go back to being okay knowing that other people are more than I will ever be, and that's okay.  I will go back to being okay with being invisible.  But tonight, I just had to get it out there... sometimes it sucks knowing you are looked over constantly. 

Yet what sucks more is knowing that I did this to myself. 

Until Next Time.