100 posts

I feel like I should post something exciting!  It's my 100th post and here it is.  A big ball of nothing. 

School has slowed down mostly because I dropped a class.  But tonight is the first night in several weeks that I haven't been swamped with homework.  It sucks I had to drop a class, but it is really for the best.  I am still a full time student, but now without the overwhelming anxiety that came with that one extra class.  It is amazing how calm I truly feel. 

So here is my 100th post, a post to deal with the lack of anxiety I feel over school now that I am one class less than I was 3 days ago.  My dogs and I are now going to go upstairs and debate if 8:40pm is too early for bed.  I'm leaning towards no, since they are both already snoring.

Until Next Time.

Sunday night..

.. and I'm tired. 

Okay, okay, "Feeling right" would rhyme, but I'm just too tired.

School is eating me alive.  I need to find my rhythm, my balance.  I need to get in the swing of things.  But right now I am finding myself pulling my hair out trying to make it all work.  Trying to remember deadlines and what happens when, and who goes where.  It is making me a little anxious.  I am going to try to get a post up detailing how I outline my week and do my work, but I am still trying to find that sweet spot. 

School - life balance is also non existent at the moment.  I find myself doing school, then working on the child advocacy program I volunteer for, and then whatever time I don't have left over is offered to my partner.  And that is unfair to him.  We laid in bed an extra 10 or so minutes this morning before I realized that no, we really needed to get up go about the day.  It was just depressing to me that those 10 minutes were the best I could offer him today.  Today we had to get groceries, we had to do laundry (which was a comical sort this morning when we forgot to load the washer before running it... ), I had to meet with my kiddos I advocate for, I had homework to get done, and eventually we have eat.  All this had to happen in a 15 or so hour day.  And it's taking its toll on me.

All that said, right now in our life is the perfect time for me to go back to school, and we both know this.  It is perfect timing for me to get a degree that in the future will actually help our family.  It's perfect for me to be away from the house and relationship quite a bit right now, because in 2 years this will be all worth it.  In two years this will be a distant memory as we are finally making enough to support the size of family we both want.  In two years this will all be worth it when I have a flexible job doing something I love.

But right now, in the here and now, life is rough.

And sadly this is all the blogging time I have for today.  For now I have to go help figure out what is for supper, register for a couple of my labs that start this week, complete Spanish homework I haven't done yet, and help with folding and moving over laundry. 

Until Next Time.

Oh what a week!

Hi.

So this week has flown by!  I didn't realize it was Friday until half way through the day.  Insane, I tell you, insane.  This week has been both frustrating and exciting. 

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were merely days.  They were exciting but just filled with school.  This was the first full week of school and it was filled.  I haven't been this tired in a long long time.  I worked hard on Thursday to not fall asleep in class, and that is unusual for me.  Especially considering the class I struggled the most in was Biology.  But I survived and made it through my first full week of school.  Next week we add Lab classes into the mix.

But this week also gave us an adoption situation we are actively pursuing.  We have officially matched with an expectant mother.  I am nervous to post this, but that is because we have a long, sordid history with adoption that has ended with us having two failed adoptions.  It makes me sad to even think about, let alone think that this adoption could end in the same way.  The differences are many, including a lack of taboo on the idea of adoption within the community of the expectant mother and the fact that this is not her first adoption. 

But it is also our only chance for quite some time.  This is a private adoption and it will take pretty much all of our saved money.  That means it doesn't matter if this one fails, we get very little money back and that is it.  And we are nervous.  However, we are also very optimistic and hopeful.  We can't help but be hopeful. 

With the adoption on the horizon, we also have the task of learning as much as we can about the culture of the expectant mother.  Learning the customs as best as we can, learning at least a little of the language, learning major holidays... those are all so important in raising a child cross culturally.  I find being connected to my culture has been so important in forming my own identity and I want that for any and all our future children.  

Anyway, we have had an exciting and long week.  Hopefully you have had a great week too!

Until Next Time!

Martin Luther King Jr.

His words speak for themselves.  Read them.  Source of this text

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we've come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we've come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the "unalienable Rights" of "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds."

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so, we've come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice.

We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. And those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. And there will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.

The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.

We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.

We cannot turn back.

There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their self-hood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating: "For Whites Only." We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until "justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream."

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. And some of you have come from areas where your quest -- quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive. Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.

And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together."

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to the South with.

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

And this will be the day -- this will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning:

My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.

Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim's pride,

From every mountainside, let freedom ring!

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.

And so let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire.

Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York.

Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania.

Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado.

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California.

But not only that:

Let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia.

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee.

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi.

From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, and when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:

                Free at last! Free at last!

                Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!

Why do you have so many gay posts?

So it finally happened.  I checked my email associated with this blog and there is was.  The first email asking why I had so many gay posts.  I have to admit, I am so amused by this that I have decided to dedicate a whole post to the topic. 

During June of 2014 I did a Pride month of posting.  I plan to do it again this June, and hell I may make up "Gay posting month" just to have ANOTHER month of pretty strictly gay posts.  Why?  Because I am gay.  I have posted a couple Facebook statuses that read "Did you know I'm gay?!" in a very sarcastic tone, and so now I bring that sarcasm to the blog!  YAY!

So in case there was any question, and to neatly put me in a box that works for you, I am gay.  Yeup, gay gay gay gay gay.  I am a homosexual.  And, just in case you were wondering, I make no apologies for that.  I am not sorry that I'm gay, I do not apologize for this fact of my life.  At the same time I also don't go around shouting it from the roofs.  I however do not hide it in most aspects of my life. 

So why did I do a month of posts about gay things if I don't go screaming about it from rooftops?  Because I am normal and feel that my sexuality shouldn't be a thing.  I want to be able to make posts and not have to feel like I'm doing something controversial or something secretive.  I mean, for sure, I am not going around fucking in the streets... but you would think I was based on some responses I get around here. 

For example, my partner and I don't pay separately when we go out to eat.  I know, scandalous.  We were at a chicken wing sports bar and when it was realized that we were paying together because we were more than buddies there watching a game, our waiter, rather loudly, declared us faggots as he walked away from our table.  Why?  Because we didn't have the intelligence to pay separately, so we were shoving our homosexuality down other people's throats. 

Another example?  Okay.  My partner and I hold hands in public, occasionally, when appropriate.  Which really means we don't hold hands in public when people can see us, or unless we are at something like the Pride functions we attend (mostly because we don't want to deal with assholes and it's not worth out lives to hold hands.  And yes, our lives would be in danger because the gay panic defense is still a thing).  So at the movies once, we were holding hands in the dark, after the house lights went down when the main attraction started.  It wasn't five minutes into the movie that I heard the asshole behind us start up.  "I can't believe that.  They are holding hands.  Ugh, not everyone needs to know they are gay!"  Mind you, he was bitching while cuddling the woman next to him.  Not just holding hands, no, actually had his arms around her with the middle arm rest up and her laying into his body.  But our hand holding in the dark was such an affront because we were shoving our gayness down his throat. 

Do you see the problem here?  The reason I have an entire month of gay posts is not to "shove gay down [your] throat".  It's because I am gay and that month is important to me.  Those posts aren't anything way out there.  Those posts aren't anything you need to be all that concerned about.  If you do not like my month of gay posts, that's okay.  You don't have to like them, nor do you have to read them.  Why?  Because they aren't addressing you.  Do you understand now?

I guess the answer of "Why do you have so many gay posts" is a very simple one.  I am gay.  This is my life, as boring as it is, it is petty gay, because I am gay (and boring really).  I write posts here for me, for my memories, for my own benefit.  I can't stop you from being offended by my posts, but I feel if you are offended by what I write, you would be offended by meeting me.  So why give a single fuck of bother against someone you probably wouldn't click with if they were sitting across from you?  It's okay you don't like my gay posts, but I highly doubt it has to do with my month of gay posts and more to do with just the gay aspect.  If that is you, we wouldn't be friends anyway so please, go away. 

Until Next Time.

.......Hello.

Oh hi.  Yeah, I know, I forgot to post this week.  It happens, sadly.  However, this week I have a REALLY good reason.  Yes, it is really good. 

School started.

Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

School started and my class load this semester is a little insane.  Mostly because I had to take a biology course I wasn't expecting to have to take again.  Who knew that when you sign up for a class at a community college, with the understanding that it will transfer to the university you will be going to, that it wouldn't transfer!  And you wouldn't find out until the day you register for classes.  So I had to take another course this semester to stay on track, and thus I have way too much shit going on this semester. 

But it will be okay!  It will all be okay because I am a good student and I ignore everything outside of school when I get stressed.  Hence the lack of blog posts this week. I am slowly working out what I need to do, though it is going to take another couple weeks I think until things calm down.  Just in time for midterms! 

Other than school nothing exciting is going on around here.  We have our homestudy update and we are now waiting for our placing agency to give us a call so we can interview with them and get this ball rolling.  It's an exciting ball to get rolling again.  Our ball is a little moss covered as we recovered, but now we are ready to start rolling and stop collecting moss. 

Now I must sign off and go back to Spanish homework.  Who doesn't love a good language homework in the middle of the day!?

Until Next Time!

And so it begins

Somehow I thought going back to school AND starting an adoption were great things to start at the same time!  Ain't I smart?

Life right now is very compartmentalized.  I have three compartments, school, adoption, partner.  Sadly school is taking up more but that is because I start tomorrow.  Reading through the syllabus for each class is giving me a headache of epic proportions.  I am struggling to understand why I am paying for parking passes and going to school if everything is done online.  And I have to buy a clicker, which is going to be an interesting new experience for me.  I don't even know what that thing is, let alone how to use one!

Outside of that we submitted our application for the new placing agency.  In the course of 3 hours I received an email for an intro phone call and got a phone call asking if I received that email.  I love their enthusiasm, but at the same time, holy cow give me time!  My Partner works and is apparently very busy today because he hasn't even read the email yet.  Give me a few minutes to get shit together.  That said, I am excited with how much enthusiasm they have because that means good things can happen for us... hopefully. 

My third compartment, the partner, is sadly lacking right now.  Hopefully after this week it will calm down again, but it sucks to not feel like you are connecting simply because there isn't enough hours in the day.  We usually lay in bed before falling asleep and just spend time talking and connecting, but this last week that just hasn't happened.  We lay down and both fall asleep pretty instantly.  Hopefully once all the new wears off from the year we will be able to go back to sharing our thoughts at night.  It really is the highlight of my day and the perfect way to send off to dream land.  I really do miss that time together.  As a trade off though, we have been getting up a bit earlier than normal and doing morning yoga together.  That is nice. 

It is amazing how each season of life works out.  I feel like I am as busy as I have ever been, yet I also feel like I am getting nothing done.  Isn't that amazing?  I run around all day and feel like I've accomplished nothing.  Chipping away at my to do list, however, lets me know that I am really doing something.  And I like doing something.

Until Next Time.

Having kids

I try not to talk about having kids much anymore with people I know.  I think people just get tired of hearing "Oh yeah, kids kids kids".  It gets to be too much for a lot of people, especially people who have never had issues having children, and who wants to burden your friends beyond what they can handle.

As a result, I often sit on my hands and just wait until we have something to announce before talking about it.  Well, right now, we have a beginning step to announce.  We are finally updating our damn homestudy.

We started trying to adopt in 2010, right after we exchanged rings.  So our first homestudy was done in December and we immediately jumped into any avenue we could to start our family.  We worked with the foster system (and ended up not pursuing that route for multiple reasons, but we hope to open this avenue at some point in our lives), we looked through children already available for adoption from adoptuskids, and we finally settled on private infant adoption.  Only we found so many problems with the system.  We worked hard to find a good homestudy agency and worked twice as hard to find, what we thought was, a good child placing agency.

Our first adoption attempt took us to far from home!  How exciting to get the call that the baby was born, was a beautiful and mostly healthy little girl, and that we needed to hop on a plane and get out there to meet our daughter. Only it didn't happen like we thought.  We arrived in her state, we made it to the city of her birth, and bright and early the next day we arrived at the hospital... only to be told by the NICU nurse that the mother changed her mind.  We were so stunned.  Yeah, we knew that was a possibility, but we had spent so much time making sure we were doing this right, ethical, properly, that we never dreamed we would be left sitting in the waiting room with empty arms.

We called our placing agency and they called the hospital and it all just fell apart.  We sat in the hospital for a couple hours, waiting to speak to the risk supervisor and the hospital social worker and the lead NICU nurse... and we watched the baby's mother invite people in to meet the baby.  We listened as people had conversations next to the nursery door about how awesome it was that the baby was born.. and we realized at that moment that maybe mom never planned to place.  And our world was shattered.  We were so naive, and no we weren't anymore.  The world taught us an expensive and heartbreaking lesson that day.

So we came back home and rebuilt our life here.  We stayed out of the adoption game for almost a year, despite wanting a child so desperately.  We healed ourselves before jumping back into the arena, with the same placing agency.

Thus began our second attempt.  This attempt was more fraught with despair from the beginning.  We were matched quickly and the baby was due not too long after we matched.  And then the little boy was born and we learned that from the beginning we were being scammed.  Through our agency.  Not by our agency by any means, we are not indicting them publicly at all.  Needless to say, that fell through as well.

From there we dropped our placing agency.  Two failed adoptions and the bullshit we dealt with during our second failed attempt just showed us that this agency wasn't for us.  After giving ourselves time to heal from this second placement, we opted to go for surrogacy and all that entailed.

To avoid this post becoming too long and depressing, our transfer failed.  No baby, no children.

We tried a few other things, but right now those are too personal to throw up in public on a blog.  We have healed, but we aren't ready to spend too much time talking about them.  I am not ready... I should use I and not we sometimes.

And that leads us to today, where we are right now.  And we are nervous.  But we are excited.  We have found a new placing agency that we feel conducts itself ethically and we have few expectations this time.  It is scary to deal with all this shit again, but also exciting.

So one of the goals of 2015 was to have children.  This is mostly outside of our control, but we are taking the steps we can and hope that 2015 will continue to be our year.  We won't give up because failure is not really an option for us.  2015 is the year of goals and dreams coming true.

Until Next Time. 

Beef stew... yes please!

So I make a kick ass beef stew.  Of course, as I grabbed the camera and set about making this recipe I realized I was missing a couple things... but whatever, you can use your imagination.  I'm still going to share what I made.

I am not a big fan of recipes.  I feel like I have expressed that before.  I will give you what I used and you can figure that out for your family.  I promise, general cooking is not like baking.  You cannot fuck it up.  You just need to know what all to put in then you can throw it in how you like it.

So on to the beef stew.  The general recipe is as follows:

Carrots (Diced)
Celery (Diced)         (These three are known as a mirepoix)
Onion (Diced)

Garlic (Minced)
Tomato Paste
Beef Stock
Worcestershire Sauce
Water
Stew Meat

Start by browning your stew meat.  Use any fat you want to and just quickly browning each side.  It doesn't have to be perfect, you are just sealing in the juices.  This is roughly two pounds of meat. I recommend finding a good farmer you can get your meat from.  Factory farming is no joke.  Sustainability is important, support your local farm.

While your meat is browning, dice your celery, carrots, and onion.  I used half an onion and 4 carrots.  I would have used about 4 stalks of celery as well, but I apparently didn't pick any up at the store this week.  Strike one against my beef stew, but I made it any way.  You can use any combination of these.  I am not an onion fan so I always use less.

 After your meat is browned, use the same fat and throw in your mirepoix.  Saute this for around 8-10 minutes, until slightly softened and sweet.

While you are sauteing the other veggies, mince some garlic.  Again, use whatever you need to achieve the flavor your family likes.  I love garlic, and since I've also been working to get over a cold I added quite a bit.  This is 4 medium sized cloves.  As you can tell by the green it was also a bit old.  Still tasted great.  After your veggies are slightly softened, toss your garlic into the pot.  Cook it a couple minutes, till fragrant.  Don't let it burn.  Burnt garlic is bitter garlic.  Bitter is not good eats.

After you've made your garlic fragrant, you'll add the tomato paste.  Now, I am going to let you in on a secret I learned from Mario Batali.  I watch the Chew like it's going out of style and one of the best tips I learned was putting the tomato paste into the oil before adding any other liquid.  This gives the tomato paste a rustic flavor.  You want to let it cook out for a couple minutes.  It makes a difference.  I used 6oz of tomato paste, which is a lot but I love it.  Again, use what works for you.  But I wouldn't go below 3 or 4 oz.

After the tomato paste it is smooth sailing.  Basically throw all the other ingredients into the pot, including the meat and any juices that have drained on the plate.  As for how much of everything... just use enough.  Seriously, that is all.  Remember, this isn't baking!

Now this picture shows the most important step in a good stew, in my humble opinion.  Put a damn lid on it and walk away.  Turn it down to a simmer and seriously walk away.  Don't touch.  How long?  Till it's done.  I usually start stew in the mid morning (around 10am) and simmer it all day.  Then I let it cool, put it in the fridge, then the next evening around 2 or 3pm I will get it out and let it simmer until we eat supper, around 6 or 6:30. 

And voila, beef stew.  As you can see, I don't have a picture of our servings because I forgot, and we ate it all.  Because it's cold here and beef stew is delicious in the cold.  I typically serve this with mashed potatoes.  I put a couple scoops of potatoes in the bowl, then top it with beef stew and the results are amazing.  Try it, you won't regret it! 

Until Next Time.

School.. okay!

I am counting down the days before school starts for me.  I'm 9 days away from starting at University.  I am starting as a junior with around 2 years left to complete my bachelors degree.  I am excited and terrified.  The only classes I have left are major and minor classes, which means shit has gotten real!  I have no real fluff classes to take, which is a nightmare for my semesters.  I do get to take my language classes, which will be Spanish for lack of a language offerings in my time frame, which will give me a bit of a break from the chemistry and biology and psychology classes.  But other than Spanish and the math class I have to take this semester, I am going to be fully up to my elbows in -ology classes. 

With starting school, I have gone on a house bender.  I have cleaned almost every room in my house from top to bottom.  My goal is to have very little house stuffs to do during the semester.  My partner is amazing, but he is not a house keeper.  He works full time, very hard, and I typically take care of the indoor house stuff.  I am a little nervous to how to balance house and school work.  Add in my volunteer work and woah, I think the next 3 months are going to be super duper busy.  And I think my house is going to suffer, which is okay in the long run. 

I am also trying to adjust to a new time for getting up and going to bed, as well as being out of the house.  On Tuesday's, in particular, I will be out of my house over 12 hours for school.  I don't know what I was thinking when I made that schedule! 

I'm excited.  Sorta.  Kinda.  Maybe a little.

Until Next Time.

Stop and think about it

All around us right now we are slammed with images and stories that make it sometimes hard to believe we are living in a society so intolerant of people.  AT astonishing numbers GLBT youth are killing themselves because society has taught them they are less than.  This is my attempt to reconcile what I seeing and how I am feeling.

The big "in the spotlight" suicide right now is that of Leelah Alcorn.  Leelah was bullied, not so much by society, but by her parents.  She was drugged up, told she was less than, that she was mentally deranged and needed to be "fixed".  Instead of embracing their child and helping her navigate a world that was already against her, her parents turned on her.  As a result she felt there was no other choice but to walk in front of a semi truck and end the pain she felt.  A permanent solution to a temporary problem.  The only solution she felt she had.  And that is tragic.

Before Leelah was Ronin Shimizu, a 12 year old child who committed suicide after being the target of bullying because he was different.  I do not know, and cannot find anything stating, if Ronin was gay, and that doesn't matter.  He was bullied by people who called him gay, who challenged his maleness because he liked to cheer.  Because he was different.  Because he was true to himself.  This little boy was 12 for fucks sake.  Who cares what his preference in lovers might have been?  He was a child who opted to take his own life rather than face anymore bullying.  How can our society be okay with this?

I could go on and on with teens who have felt they needed to take their life to get away from the bullshit society has put on them, but I think these two instances show my point.  Why are we putting adult problems on children?  Why are we burdening children with the bigotry of the world?  Why aren't we embracing our children for who they are, not who we want them to be?  Why aren't we embracing our children.

I am sick to death of hearing stories where people feel like suicide is the only solution because of the pain that is inflicted on them by other people.  Wake up society.  Wake up and realize your truth is not every one's truth.  The way you choose to live your life is not the way other people choose to live their life.  Stop teaching children that men act this way and women act that way.  Stop using gay as a slur.  Stop putting adult burdens on our children!  Just stop.

Think about what you are doing, what message you are sending to the youth of today.

And if you are a teen who is thinking about suicide, please listen to me.  I am not a paid actor, I am not a paid anyone.  I am a student, I am a normal person, just like you.  And I can tell you it gets better.  I hate to sound cliche, but IT. GETS. BETTER.  Yes, your parents may hate you, mine do.  Yes, your friends may abandon you, mine did.  Yes, you may find yourself alone in the this... but you aren't really alone.  There are a lot of us out there who have been in your shoes.  There are a lot of us out there who have dealt with everything you are dealing with right now.  It's hard.  It sucks.  It shouldn't have to be... but I promise you, life gets better.  Anyone who tells you that you are living the best days of your life, right now, are lying to you.  I am still relatively young and I know even I am not living the best days of my life right now.  I am nearly 30 and enjoying life, in college, surrounded by the family I have chosen (and none of it is biological) and I promise you, the best is yet to come.


If you need help, please seek it out.  The best resource I know available is the Trevor Help Line.

The Trevor Line.  Those who brought you the It Gets Better campaign also offer crisis intervention.  Call them: 866-488-7386 or go to their website Trevor Crisis help

Please know that you are worth it, you have a life ahead of you.  People are here to support you.  Let them help you.  You are worth living for.

Until Next Time.

Of food stuffs

One of my main goals this year is getting healthy.  Part of getting healthy is learning to control my weight, which means learning to control my food instead of my food controlling me.  This is always a struggle due to a lot of food insecurities I had as a child and then again as an independent teenager.  Today, I have no worries about when my next meal will come, or if it will come, but that doesn't stop the fears and the need to have it all mapped out.

So to control my food a bit, I am using my need for planning to my benefit.  I have worked out a menu plan for breakfast, lunch, and supper.  It seems odd and strict, but I think it will actually work for me.  By planning everything, I can monitor my calories as well as make sure I know exactly when each meal and snack will happen.  That puts everything in my control, which I know is not a healthy way to look at it, but it's what I have to do right now.

There are some rules we are following regarding eating in our household in order to make weight loss work for me.  We did a little trial and error to figure out what worked best for us, and it seems to be Primal Eating.  Which basically means no grains and limited legumes.  No added sugars as well.  We do eat dairy and I have no plans to change that right now.

It is nice to sit down and have an idea of what you want to do and the ability to make that happen.  It is also nice to finally have a support system that I know will not waiver in their support, but will call me out on my shit.  If I am doing something stupid, I rest assured that my friends and family will be like "Uhm, dumb, no".  It makes figuring out this life thing a little easier to know I have people I can count on. 

Here is to hoping I can figure this out and make this work!  Isn't that what we all want?  To figure out the parts of our lives that give us grief and then fix them.  I am fixing.

Until Next Time!

Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year, and other awesome things! 

We had an awesome time hanging out with some friends.  It was, shocker, rather boring, but it was still something to do instead of sitting at home.  There were 4 couples there, so 8 people total.  One person was pregnant, so her and her husband weren't drinking.  Two of the people were so drunk by the time we got there that they weren't much fun.  So the other 4 of us enjoyed a few drinks and played some fun (and not so fun) games.  It was a good night had by all. 

I am excited to start a new year.  This is my year to make it a new start, a fresh start, a healthy start.  I know, it's so cliche to talk about starting over at the start of the year, but this is my year.  My fucking year.

So here is to hoping that your 2015 is better than you ever dreamed. 

Until Next Time!